Laugh Lines

Wise answers

These are said to be the answers received when a first-grade teacher presented her students with the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. ›

Don’t change horses … until they stop. ›

Strike while the … bug is close. ›

It’s always darkest before … daylight-saving time. ›

Never underestimate the power of … termites. ›

You can lead a horse to water but … how? ›

Don’t bite the hand that … looks dirty. ›

No news is … impossible. ›

A miss is as good as a … mister. ›

You can’t teach an old dog new … math. ›

If you lie down with dogs, you’ll … stink in the morning. ›

Love all, trust … me. › The pen is mightier than the … pigs. ›

An idle mind is … the best way to relax. ›

Where there’s smoke there’s … pollution. ›

Happy the bride who … gets all the presents. ›

A penny saved is … not much. ›

Two’s company, three’s … the Musketeers. ›

Don’t put off till tomorrow what … you put on to go to bed. ›

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you; cry and … you have to blow your nose. ›

There are none so blind as … Stevie Wonder. ›

Children should be seen and not … spanked or grounded. ›

If at first you don’t succeed … get new batteries. ›

You get out of something only what you … see in the picture on the box. ›

Better late than … pregnant.

Current events

From www.newsmax.com: › Starbucks announced that people may sit at their tables and use the bathroom even if they don’t purchase anything. Lisa Denton Starbucks said, “If just one person buys a venti latte, our costs are covered for the year.” — Conan O’Brien ›

After announcing that people no longer need to make a purchase to use the bathroom, Starbucks clarified the policy and said the spaces should be used “as intended.” Though if you’ve ever been in a Starbucks bathroom, you know no one is using them as intended. — Seth Meyers ›

The U.S. Postal Service announced that they will release scratchand-sniff stamps. That explains why they’ve canceled their “Salute to Kid Rock.” — Conan O’Brien ›

The stamps will come in scents like strawberry, orange, and chocolate. What a delightful, fun and interactive way to find out you’re being evicted from your apartment. — James Corden ›

This week AT&T announced that later this year they will start selling a smartphone that will feature a holographic display that projects 3-D images that can be seen from the sides and from behind. And even more exciting, you still won’t get reception in your kitchen. — James Corden ›

Hasbro has filed to trademark the scent of Play-Doh. Hasbro describes the scent as a “sweet, slightly musky vanilla fragrance with slight overtones of cherry, combined with the smell of a salted wheat-based dough.” While kids are describing it as “delicious.” — Seth Meyers ›

Froot Loops cereal has added a new flavor, Wild Berry. People who tried the new flavor say it tastes like “wild berries, plus sugar, minus wild berries.” — Conan O’Brien ›

Fun fact, if six members of the royal family die, Meghan Markle would become the queen of England. Second fun fact, that used to be Prince Harry’s pickup line. — Conan O’Brien ›

Thousands of people filled the streets to cheer for Prince Harry and Meghan [on their wedding day]. Meanwhile, Prince William was like, “You guys know I’m the one who’s going to be king, right? I’m kind of a big deal too.” — Jimmy Fallon ›

Oprah was at the royal wedding, and the day before, she changed her dress when she realized it was too close to white. Because it’s rude to upstage the bride by wearing white when you’re already upstaging the bride by being Oprah. — Jimmy Fallon ›

Prince Harry didn’t shave before the wedding. He was going to, but his brother was like, “Dude, if you’ve got hair, keep it. Trust me.” — Jimmy Fallon ›

I heard the royal wedding reception was a lot of fun. Apparently, Elton John performed “Circle of Life” from “The Lion King.” Then Prince Charles did a very drunken performance of “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King.” — Jimmy Fallon