Sudden changes have underlying motives, unintended consequences

COMMENTARY

I have a colleague who cleans house about every five years. What I mean by that is that he ends most all of his personal relationships and starts building new ones. I’ve watched his behavior from a distance and often wondered if I was ever going to make it to his list. It’s a lot like waiting for an award-show nomination. OK, I’m just kidding, but he isn’t the only person who does this.

Some people clean house this way or pull a geographic (move someplace new) to feel that they are now free of all their problems — and it never works. There is an old saying, “No matter where you go, there you are.” Simply put, you can’t run away from yourself or the thoughts in your head.

If you have tried making changes — retried, returned, remarried and reimagined your life — you need to learn to work with what you have and make it the best it can be. I’m not saying you should maintain toxic relationships, but if everyone is toxic to you, then you best look in the mirror. Everyone else can’t be wrong.

Some folks build up resentments, and when they get to a certain height, they remove what they believe to be the underlying cause

— the other person — from their lives. What about talking instead? And what if that person is your boss or your spouse? You can’t live without other people and relationships, and the rebuilding process can take decades. I don’t know about you, but I haven’t got that kind of time.

I have seen people walk away from great careers because they didn’t get a promotion when they expected it. They carried that disappointment around like a 50-pound sack of flour, and it weighted their personality down to the point where all they could project to their co-workers was being unhappy in their current position. Usually people with this attitude do not keep their jobs for long, and the promotion they wanted would have come later if they had just been a little more patient.

This is just one example of how being upset and taking your toys home can actually ruin an adult life. Leaving a good job, where you also have personal connections, is a really painful thing to do. I recommend you get some therapy before making that move.

So, if everybody ticks you off, you can quit, you can run away, or you can cut them out of your circle and pretend things never happened. But again, what’s in your mind will stay there until you take some time to resolve the issues, which are actually your issues.

Whatever it is that is putting you in this place of taking apart relationships and experiences you have built over time is not something to be taken lightly. Your desire to leave is coming from a place of real pain.

Please find someone to talk with before you make any changes you can’t undo or that will hurt you or another person. Life is not supposed to be painful, yet you are feeling it and don’t know what to do except to lash out. You are not bad or broken, but you are upset, and someone knows how to help you. So please pick up your phone and make a call. There are many free hotlines where you can get help, and many cities (including Chattanooga) have a 211 line for mental-health issues.

Dr. Barton Goldsmith, a psychotherapist in Westlake Village, California, is the author of “The Happy Couple: How To Make Happiness a Habit One Little Loving Thing at a Time.”