Current events
This week SpaceX and Tesla founder Elon Musk personally handed out his latest and greatest new product to the first 1,000 customers who bought them online. And that product is … a flamethrower! This is something we were all crying out for. I mean, this is one way to get your neighbor to stop using a leaf blower at 7 a.m. — James Corden ›
To get around existing laws, Elon Musk is calling the product Not a Flamethrower. Which is a great idea. I’m excited to use one of these “not a flamethrowers” to “not rob a liquor store.” — James Corden ›
Uber is working out a new feature that can tell if you’re drunk when you request a ride. Here is how it works: If it’s 2 a.m. and you call an Uber, you’re drunk. — Jimmy Fallon ›
Microsoft is working on technology that removes the need for cashiers and checkout lines. This cutting-edge technology is known as “shoplifting.” — Conan O’Brien ›
According to a new report, legal marijuana sales in Colorado have seen a plateau in growth. Apparently, people are still going to the marijuana stores, but they can’t remember why they went in. — Seth Meyers ›
Authorities in Florida are searching for two men who left an injured alligator at a convenience store. Said the alligator, “No, no, it’s cool. They said they’d see me later.” — Seth Meyers ›
Burger King Russia has apologized for offering a lifetime supply of Whoppers to any Russian woman who could get pregnant with the child of a World Cup player. In related news, no matter what this guy says [picture of Burger King’s “The King” ad mascot], he does
not play for Spain. — Seth Meyers ›
Here in the United Kingdom, officials are looking at the possibility of legalizing medical marijuana. When asked about it this week, Prime Minister Theresa May said that she had never smoked cannabis in her life. I believe her! You know why? Because she calls it cannabis. — James Corden ›
Today is National Selfie Day. Finally, a day to take selfies. National Selfie Day, of course, marks the beginning of the high holy days for the Kardashian family, along with the Feast of Saint Botox and Lip-Gloss Hashanah. — Jimmy Kimmel ›
Today is the first official day of summer. Right now, everyone’s thinking, “I’m gonna hike! I’m gonna go camping! I’m gonna hit the beach!” While Netflix is like, “Suuure you are.” — Jimmy Fallon
Patriot riddles
Q: What happened as a result of the Stamp Act?
A: The Americans licked the British!
Q: How come there’s no knock-knock joke about America?
A: Because freedom rings.
Q: What’s red, white, black and blue?
A: Uncle Sam falling down the stairs.
Q: What does the Statue of Liberty stand for? A: It can’t sit down. Q: Who was the biggest jokester in George Washington’s army? A: Laughayette. Q: What’s the difference between a duck and George Washington?
A: One has a bill on his face, and the other has his face on a bill
Q: Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
A: Yeah, it cracked me up!
Q: What did one flag say to the other flag?
A: Nothing. It just waved.
Q: Which colonists told the most jokes?
A: Punsylvanians!
Battle tally
During the Revolutionary War, a lieutenant asked a soldier why he was falling back during a really fierce battle. “Didn’t you hear me say that we’re outnumbered 4 to 1?”
The soldier replied, “I got my four, Sir.”