Turning some people off can turn others on
It can be kind of scary to stare at a blank profile box, whether it’s on OkCupid, Match.com or Tinder. Not only can the whole concept of “putting yourself out there” be a bit intimidating, but knowing exactly how to market yourself can also be a daunting task. Even if you’re the best writer you know, it’s hard to distill down the things that make you special and, well, you.
So many of my clients, day after day, ask me, “Shouldn’t I just write what I think everyone will want to hear? That way, I’m not limiting the pool at all. Or maybe I should write what the person I want to meet would like to hear?” While at first glance, these may seem like good strategies, I want to share why they’re not.
WRITING WHAT YOU THINK EVERYONE WANTS TO HEAR
It’s nice to be liked by many people, of course, but you don’t want to lose yourself in the process of trying to fit into some arbitrary mold that you think others want to see. Take for example the lines, “I’m just as comfortable in a little black dress and heels (or a tux) as I am in a T-shirt and jeans,” or “I’m just as happy out on the town as I am at home with a movie and a glass of wine.” Besides being really boring, do these lines actually tell us anything about the person writing them? Nope. They simply cover all the bases. To most people, they read, “I am trying to show you that I’m versatile.” It doesn’t work, though, because if everyone says they’re versatile, then it doesn’t set anyone apart.
While it may seem counterintuitive, I’ll come right out and say it: It’s OK to turn people off in your profile! It’s more important to be the real you … not the version of yourself you think people want to see and certainly not the version of yourself who attempts to appeal to everyone. Just be yourself, quirks and all. That way, you know when someone shows interest, it’s because he or she likes the actual things you said, not just the fact that you were attempting to be inclusive or versatile … which, in turn, ends up adding nothing.
A sample profile that I might write about myself on a dating app, where you want to keep things on the short side (the ideal profile length is 20 to 40 words on apps like Tinder and Bumble), might read something like this:
Scotch drinker, crossword puzzler, pun maker, night owl, kettlebeller and original Nintendo owner. I like talking to strangers in Uber Pool and eating everything bagels.
It’s OK that I don’t do the things that most people seem to do: run marathons, pose with wildlife, visit Machu Picchu or go from sweatpants to a ball gown in T-minus two minutes. Instead, people will get a sense of the real me, the word-game nerd who likes to work out and exercise her extroverted tendencies. If someone is turned off by those things, then it won’t be a match anyway. As another example, a client of mine recently wrote about her odd obsession with Postits and Sharpies. And you know what? Men loved her uniqueness and confidence to share it!
WRITING WHAT YOU THINK YOUR TARGET MATCH WANTS TO HEAR
This backfires too. The reality is that you have no idea what he or she wants to hear! Maybe the person you want to be with loves reality TV or maybe the opera. Who knows. The best advice is to be yourself so that the person who likes what you have to say can find you.
I have a challenge for you: If you’re currently on an online dating site or app, and your profile contains one of the “all-inclusive” lines or things you think someone wants to hear, change it to something that better represents the real you. And if you’re thinking about joining an online dating site, remember that it’s OK to share your interests in chess-playing, beer-making and Ping Pong on Tuesdays. Yes, you will probably turn some people off. But you may also now turn just the correct people on.