Let’s get straight to the date
I was chatting with a client of mine recently about her first online dating experience and how it was going so far, and she mentioned a situation that sounded all too familiar: A guy contacted her, he sounded amazing, he looked extremely attractive, he happened to be out of town, he wanted to talk on the phone (but never Facetime), he had no online foot- print… and then he asked what bank account she used. Luckily, she was smart enough to realize that he was inviting her into a trap, but not all people are. (Reading this, I know it sounds made up. I wish it were!)
It’s easy to fall in love with someone’s online dating profile. The ultimate goal, of course, is to meet in person. Most people don’t join online dating sites or apps to simply message someone back and forth with no end in sight. (I suppose some do, but let’s ignore them for now.)
The best way to manage online dating is to schedule a date (coffee or a drink) after just a few messages back and forth because chemistry is next to impossible to gauge online. In fact, I don’t even recommend talking on the phone before a first online date. Someone might be great on the phone and a dud in person or a bore on the phone and fabulous in person. The point is that you never know whether you’ll have chemistry (which I call the “wild card”) until you actually meet, and no number of texts or calls will change that. With too much predate communication, there are two types of risk:
› The risk of ruling someone out before even meeting, perhaps because of the phone call/excess messages or maybe because you simply lost the momentum.
› The risk of falling in love with this person’s online persona without much foundation.
Of course, many people don’t know when it’s appropriate to move from the dating site to the date and err on the side of caution (waiting too long), so in this case, I recommend saying something like, “I’m really enjoying these emails. Should we meet for a drink next week? I’m free Monday or Wednesday if either works for you.” If the recipient takes the bait or suggests a different day, then you know this person wants to meet. If the answer is simply no (or there’s no answer), then it’s time to move on. If someone is perpetually busy, then he or she either really has no time to date (a problem) or is trying to get out of meeting in person for some reason (a bigger problem). If meeting in person is not feasible — perhaps you don’t live close enough to meet in a timely fashion — then the best thing to do is to suggest that you Skype or Face Time. It takes just as long to dial someone’s number and chat for a few minutes as it does to sit down and write to each other, so if someone declines this offer, that is a major red flag.
My advice? Meet offline as soon as you can. If you plan the first date quickly (within a week of matching or messaging) and like each other, that’s great — you’ll have more time to spend together! If you don’t have that connection, you can move on without investing more of your time. In other words, get straight to the date.
Erika Ettin is the founder of A Little Nudge (www.alittlenudge.com), where she helps others navigate the often intimidating world of online dating.