Laugh Lines
Street smart
A guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm. He says to the bartender, “I’ll take a beer — and one for the road.”
Horse, of course
Jack strode into John’s stable looking to buy a horse.
“Listen here” said John, “I have just the horse you are looking for. The only thing is that an interesting fellow trained him. He does not go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to scream, “Hey, hey!” The way to get him to go is to scream, “Thank God!”
Jim nodded his head, “Fine with me. Can I take him for a test run?”
Jim was having the time of his life. This horse sure can run, he thought to himself. Jim was speeding down the dirt road when he suddenly saw a cliff up ahead.
“Stop!” screamed Jim, but the horse kept on going. No matter how much he tried, he could not remember the words to get it to stop.
“Yo, yo!” screamed Jim, but the horse just kept on speeding ahead. The horse was 5 feet from the cliff when Jim suddenly remembered.
“Hey, hey!” Jim screamed.
The horse skidded to a halt just 1 inch from the cliff.
Jim could not believe his good fortune. He looked up to the sky, raised his hands in the air, breathed a deep sigh of relief, and said with conviction, “Thank God!”
High monkey
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking marijuana when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey, “Hey! What are you doing?”
The monkey says, “Smoking weed. Come up and have some.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they share a joint. After a while, the lizard says his mouth is dry and he is going to get a drink from the river.
The lizard climbs down the tree, walks through the jungle to the river and leans over the river to get his drink. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side. He asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?”
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with a monkey in a tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out, so he walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing the joint. He looks up and says, “Hey you!”
The monkey looks down and says, “Duuuuuuuuuude … how much water did you drink?!”
Don’t drink and drive
A police car routinely parks outside a bar in Texas. One night after last call, the officer notices a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he can barely walk. The man stumbles around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seems like an eternity, in which the man tries his keys on five different vehicles, he manages to find his truck and fall into it.
He sits there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons leave the bar and drive off. Finally, he gets into the car and starts the engine and switches the wipers on and off — on a cloudless summer night. He flicks the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honks the horn and then switches on the lights. He moves the vehicle forward a few inches, reverses a little and then remains still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons exit and leave in their vehicles.
Finally, when his is the only car left in the parking lot, he pulls out and drives slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, starts up his patrol car, puts on the flashing lights, promptly pulls the man over and administers a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicates no evidence that the man has consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer says, “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”
“Nah,” says the proud hillbilly. “I’ve not had a drop. Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”
Current events
From www.newsmax. com:
Alex Trebek is hinting that he might retire from “Jeopardy!” in 2020. When asked what he’ll do in retirement, Trebek said, “What is start drinking at noon?” — Jimmy Fallon
MTV has announced it’s working on a new reality show with Lindsay Lohan. Well, she’s been working on it for years — MTV just decided to start filming it. — Seth Meyers
Apparently, LeBron’s talk show is going to be him and four random guests you may or may not have heard of. You know, like when he plays basketball. — James Corden
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.