Why texting is the death of a first date

I work out of one of the many co-working spaces that have popped up all over the country — and world — over the last few years. Besides being a place to get work done and meet clients, it’s also a great place to meet like-minded people… potentially to date.

Last week, someone I met at the office asked if I’d like to have dinner. I generally agree when someone asks because I know how hard it is to muster up the courage to ask someone out “in real life,” and this particular person seemed really interesting to me. We planned on a date a few days later (he asked on a Thursday, and we agreed to meet that Monday), exchanged numbers and then went about our own business.

That’s when the texts started coming in, “Good morning, beautiful.” “I see you over there in the office.” “Send me a picture of you at the pool.” Beyond a few hellos and goodbyes, I didn’t know this man, and his texts were making me feel uncomfortable. I asked him to please stop coming on so strong, but he didn’t. I ultimately had to go with my gut and decide to cancel the date based on his texts to me.

In another situation, a client exchanged numbers with someone in order to arrange a date with someone she met online. (I don’t actually encourage this — you can arrange the whole thing on the dating site.) Regardless, before even scheduling the date, he texted her at 2 a.m., asking, “What are you up to?” She declined a date with him because a 2 a.m. text generally implies one thing … and it’s not a game of Parcheesi.

How many times have you said the following to your friends, or have they said something like this to you?

“We were talking online, and then he asked for my number to make it easier to schedule the date. Well, it’s been a week, and all he does is text with no date in sight!” Or how about this one? “OMG — I love this woman! We’ve been texting every day, and I’m really falling for her.”

It happens all the time … someone puts his or her phone number down on a dating site or app and says, “Text me” or “Reach out to me.” Does it really make communicating easier? And really, is there a need to text before the date, except to confirm the day before? (It’s very important to do this.) My recommendation is simply to exchange numbers a day or two before the date so you can 1) confirm and 2) contact each other the day of in case something goes awry (you need to cancel, you’re running late, etc.). If getting the date on the calendar is the prize, if you will, then any additional texting can only lower your chances of making it to said date.

Besides the never-ending text relationship that might form with no date in sight, by texting (or emailing or talking on the phone) too much before the date, you run the risk of building a false impression of this person — positive or negative — that may not equate to what he or she is like in real life. We often have a tendency to share things behind the screen that we may not reveal to someone in person until much later. The New York Post even has a name for this — premature escalation.

The article says this: “It’s a trend we’ve coined ‘premature escalation’ … since our whole world is so instant now, people can craft entire personas through their slew of texts … by the time you meet your partner for an actual date, you’ve built up this whole image and fantasy in your head of who you think they are, and then they turn out to be totally different.” Sound familiar?

Let’s talk about a solution. If you’re intent on texting before a date, then try to keep these texts to a minimum, with the purpose of determining the logistics of the date. If your date starts sending you mundane ‘How was your day?’ texts, it’s up to you to cut him or her off, nicely of course. Saying something as simple as this should do the trick: “Hey — I’m not really a huge texter, but I’m really looking forward to seeing you this week!”

Now, I’m not saying all texting is bad. It’s great when you’re in a relationship to check in with someone during the day or to send a sweet inside joke. But, in dating, the sooner you meet for the first date, the better. Don’t let texting be the death of the first date.

Erika Ettin is the founder of A Little Nudge (www. alittlenudge.com), where she helps others navigate the often intimidating world of online dating.