Laugh Lines

More anesthesia

Things you don’t want to hear during surgery Oops!

Has anyone seen my watch?

That was some party last night. I can’t remember when I’ve been that drunk.

Dang! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.

Come back with that! Bad dog!

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?

Hand me that … uh … that uh … thingie …

If I can just remember how they did this on “ER.”

Dang, there go the lights again.

You know, there’s big money in kidneys, and this guy’s got two of ’em.

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Could you stop that thing from beating; it’s throwing my concentration off.

I wish I hadn’t forgotten my glasses.

Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

Sterile, shmerile. The floor’s clean, right?

What do you mean, he’s not insured?

This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

Don’t worry. I think it’s sharp enough.

What do you mean you want a divorce?!

I don’t know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.

Hey, Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he’s still Lisa Denton moving.

Of course I’ve performed this operation before, Nurse!

FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

Current events

A small town in Missouri recently launched a newspaper called The Examiner. The mayor is upset about this and to understand why, you need to know that the town is called — I promise this is real — Uranus. So the newspaper that they launched is The Uranus Examiner. — James Corden

Now, the mayor wants the name changed. She thinks it opens up the town to ridicule. Though it’s hard to command any respect when your official title is “Mayor of Uranus.” — James Corden

Yesterday a spokesperson for “Sesame Street” said that Bert and Ernie do not, I repeat, do not have a sexual orientation. A spokesperson then added, “But Big Bird is really into Asian chicks.” — Conan O’Brien

While covering the Emmys … The New York Times confused actress Angela Bassett with former White House adviser Omarosa. Making matters worse, today the Times extended a heartfelt apology to Serena Williams. — Conan O’Brien

A restaurant owner in Maine is testing out what she believes to be a more humane way of killing the lobsters they serve. What they do is they get the lobsters high on marijuana smoke before they cook them. For real. How the lobsters hold the joint with their claw I don’t know. But I would bet $100 she came up with this idea while she was smoking in a Jacuzzi. — Jimmy Kimmel

I heard that Meghan Markle is coming out with a cookbook. Since she’s a royal, the cookbook just says: “Step 1: Sit and wait for food.” — Jimmy Fallon

Over the past week, giant plastic-wrapped bundles of marijuana have been mysteriously washing ashore along the coast of Florida. And people have been spotted fighting over them. President Trump immediately congratulated the locals, saying, “Hey, at least you got some nice weed out of the deal.” — James Corden

It happened along the coast of Florida. Or as they’re calling it now, the Great Barrier Reefer. This story gives new meaning to the term “seaweed.” I mean, talk about “high tide.” — James Corden

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.