Late Night Laughs: Around the White House
Following an accusation of sexual assault, Supreme Court Justice nominee Brett Kavanaugh visited the White House today for the second day in a row. It’s the first time an accused sexual assaulter has gotten into the White House without the Electoral College. — Seth Meyers
President Trump advised the Spanish government to build a wall to block out migrants. Trump told Spain, “Trust me, the last thing you want coming into your country is a bunch of Spanish-speaking people.” — Conan O’Brien
Trump was at an event celebrating Hispanic heritage. And this is nice — he even brought along Jeff Sessions to be the piñata. — Jimmy Fallon
Hurricane Florence has stopped dumping rain but rivers are rising, power’s out in a lot of places, floods are threatening residents in the Carolinas. The president, though, is on top of the situation. Fear not, he went to Costco. He bought a 24-pack of those big paper towels and he flew straight to the scene. — Jimmy Kimmel
Before he did that, he tweeted this message of thanks to all those working to lessen the impact of this monster of a storm. “I just want to thank all of the incredible men and women who have done such a great job in helping with Florence. This is a tough hurricane. One of the wettest we’ve ever seen from the standpoint of water.” That’s right — even his water is “the wettest.” — Jimmy Kimmel
Today President Trump met with the victims of Hurricane Florence. The victims said, “This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to us.” Then they talked about the hurricane. — Conan O’Brien
Trump spent today touring the Carolinas. At one point, he stopped to ask a resident about a large boat that had washed ashore next to his house. According to reports, Trump asked the man, “Is this your boat?” When the homeowner said “No,” Trump actually replied — this is true — “At least you got a nice boat out of the deal.” — James Corden
This week President Trump ordered the Justice Department to declassify secret documents related to the investigation of Russian meddling in our election, despite the intelligence community voicing their opposition to the move because it potentially jeopardizes the security of American intelligence assets. But he’s the president, and I would certainly hope he’d have a good reason — but I would certainly be wrong. Because when he was asked what was in the documents, he said, “I have not reviewed them.” Yeah, that takes too long. It’s like the Apple user agreement. You just scroll to the bottom and click “Treason.” — Stephen Colbert
Trump also addressed the conspiracy theory that his administration is being opposed inside the government by the so-called “Deep State.” But Trump doesn’t like that phrase. “I don’t like to use it because it sounds so conspiratorial, and believe it or not, I’m really not a conspiratorial person.” I wonder who spread the rumor that he was conspiratorial? Must be the same people who faked Obama’s birth certificate, stole all those people from Trump’s inauguration crowd and helped Ted Cruz’s father kill JFK. — Stephen Colbert