Laugh Lines
Get ready
Knock, knock. Who’s there?
Bee.
Bee who? Bee-ware, Halloween is coming!
Scary visions
A man goes to the doctor and says, “I keep seeing a werewolf, with big sharp teeth.”
The doctor asks, “Have you seen a psychiatrist?”
The man says, “No, just a werewolf.”
Oh, that witch
Joe says: Last Halloween there was a knock on the door. I looked out of the window and then shouted upstairs to my wife, “Honey there’s a witch at the door. What shall I do?”
She shouted back, “Just give her some candy and tell her to get lost.”
My mother-in-law hasn’t spoken to me since.
Regrets
I threw a boomerang at a ghost the other day. I knew it would come back to haunt me.
Just you wait
A young boy knocked on his neighbor’s door on Halloween night and said, “Trick or treat?”
The neighbor looked him over and asked, “What have you come as?” He said, “A werewolf.” The neighbor said, “But you’re not wearing a costume. You’ve just got your normal clothes on.”
The boy said, “Yeah, well, it’s not a full moon yet, is it?”
Ghostly encounter
A photographer goes to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost on Halloween. The ghost he encounters turns out to be friendly and poses for a snapshot. The happy photographer later downloads his photos and finds that the photos are underexposed and completely blank.
The moral of the story: The spirit is willing, but the flash is weak.
Wrong turn
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to go away and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until finally he gave in.
“OK, follow me” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down, and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
“Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.
“Yes, yes, yes!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
“Good” said the bat, “Because I sure didn’t!”
Halloween reading
A selection of potentially spooky titles from BoysLife. org: “All That’s Left of Me” by Myra Maines “Blood Vessels” by A. Orta
“All About Ghosts” by R.U. Scared “Horror Stories” by Ima Fraid “Knives” by Sue Persharp
“Being a Ninja” by Sam R. Eye
“Ghost Hunting” by E. Gadd
“Did a Vampire Bite Me?” by Chick Yerneck “Flying Beasts” by Tara Dactull “Giant Snakes” by Anna Conda “Young Werewolves” by Harry Kidd “Pitch Black” by I.C. Nothing
“The Gravedigger’s Handbook” by Barry M. Deep
Graveyard scare
Two men walking home after a Halloween party decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they are startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they find an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
“Holy cow, Mister,” one of them says after catching his breath, “You scared us half to death — we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?”
“Those idiots!” the old man grumbles. “They misspelled my name!”
Party etiquette
Two monsters are at a Halloween party when one says to the other, “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?”
The second monster says, “Be a gentleman and roll them back to her.”
Quickies
Q: What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?
A: Hope it’s Halloween. Q: What do you call a fat Jack-o’-lantern?
A: A plumpkin.
Q: What runs around a cemetery but doesn’t move? A: The fence.
Q: Why is Dracula so unpopular?
A: He’s a pain in the neck.
Q: What do monkey ghosts like to eat? A: Boonanas.
Q: What plants like Halloween the most? A: Bam-BOO!
Q: Which part of the street do vampires live on? A: The dead end. Q: Why do vampires need mouthwash?
A: They have bat breath.
Q: What’s a vampire’s favorite fruit? A: Necktarines. Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire with a cow?
A: A hamburger that bites back.
Q: How do you make a witch itch?
A: Take away her w. Q: What happened to the naughty witch at school?
A: She was ex-spelled. Q: What do witches do when they’re tired?
A: Sit down for a spell. Q: Why do witches wear name tags?
A: So you can tell which witch is which.
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.