Laugh Lines

Naturally

Two windmills are standing in a field.

One asks the other, “What kind of music do you like?”

The other one says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

Eye-popping

A guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant, and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. Reflexively, he reaches out, plucks it out of the air and hands it back to her.

The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says, popping her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”

So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterward they go to the theater followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes, and they return to her place.

He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He can’t believe his luck.

“You know,” he says, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

“No,” she replies, “You just happened to catch my eye.”

Deep hole

Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.

The first guy peers Lisa Denton into it and says, “Wow! That looks deep.”

The second guy says, “It sure does. Let’s throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We’ll be able to tell the depth by how long it is before we hear the noise of the pebbles landing.”

So they pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait. Nothing. There’s no noise.

The first guy says, “Golly, that is really deep. Let’s throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise.”

So they pick up a couple football-size rocks and toss them into the hole and wait … and wait … Again, nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. Then the first guy gets a determined look on his face and says, “Hey, over here in the weeds, there’s a railroad tie. Help me carry it over. When we toss that sucker in, it’s gotta make some noise.”

So the two of them drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Once again, not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as its legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they’ve just seen and look at each other in amazement.

Then out of the woods comes a farmer, who spots the men and ambles over. He asks them, “Hey, you two guys seen my goat out here?”

The first guy says, “You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever saw. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole and disappeared!”

“Nah,” says the farmer, “That couldn’t have been my goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie.”

Shower thoughts

From the chive.com:

Corn mazes are just redneck escape rooms.

If you’re rich and drink alcohol in the middle of the day, you’re successful. If you’re poor and drink alcohol in the middle of the day, you’re an alcoholic.

When we’re young, we sneak out of the house to go to parties. When we’re old, we sneak out of parties to go home.

Seventy percent of the Earth is covered in water, but in movies spaceships always crash on land.

A date is like a twoway interview where both people are trying to get hired while evaluating whether to hire the other person or not.

Everyone assumes you’re busy when they see you watching a movie, but don’t hesitate to interrupt when you’re reading a book.

Sears started out as a mail-order catalog that would deliver packages right to your door. It was driven to bankruptcy by an internet site that delivers packages right to your door.

The creator of Photoshop could’ve had a lot of fun if he did not tell anyone.

When you drop a Lego model, it’s not technically broken. It’s just been returned to factory settings.

Feeling awkward sitting by and idly watching when other people do work is a good sign that someone was raised right.

Harry Potter is way too emotionally stable for a kid raised by a family who hates him.

If Achilles was a child today, a razor scooter would be the most likely cause of death.

If you were to play Mario games backward, it is the story of a plumber leaving his wife and his life progressively getting easier.

If you’re a young adult, the person who is going to pronounce you dead probably isn’t even born yet.

It’s unlikely that the CEO of Kia drives a Kia.

No feeling will relieve you more than your nose unblocking after a week of a cold.

The first person to make ice cream probably ate all the ice cream in the world (at the time).

Whenever a dating app works well, it loses two users.

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.