Laugh Lines
Dead crows
After a large number of dead crows were found along a highway in Canada, it was feared that an outbreak of avian flu had been their demise. An avian pathologist was called in to examine the crows, and he concluded that it was not avian flu but impact with a motor vehicle that caused the problem. He went so far as to explain that he believed 98 percent of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks and only 2 percent by cars.
An ornithological behaviorist was consulted and the problem was discovered; When crows eat roadkill, they always post a “lookout crow” in a nearby location to warn the birds in the roadway. His conclusion was that the lookout crow could not say “Truck,” only “Cah.”
Minor wounds
Suzy opened her kitchen cupboard, and several bottles of Omega 3 vitamins fell on her head.
It’s OK though. She has only super fish oil injuries.
Money-saving tip
A supervisor decided to award a prize of $50 for the best idea for saving the company money. It was won by a young executive who suggested reducing the prize money to $10.
Philosophy major
Did you hear about the philosophy major who failed his first job interview? After 15 years of study of humankind’s existence, he had finally earned his Ph.D. But when he went for his job interview, he couldn’t make it past the receptionist, when she asked: Lisa Denton Who are you? Where did you come from? Why are you here?
Remember
People who say they’ve lost their voices are lying.
Late … again
A man who liked to frequent the bar after work thought he’d figured out the best way to stay out of trouble with his wife. He sent her this text: “I’ll be home in five minutes. If not, read this again.”
You’re fired
Stan reports that he’s just been fired from his new job as a bank teller. An old lady came in and asked if he could check her balance, and he jumped on her back.
Bar talk
Customer: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
Customer: OK, I’ll have a Coke. Bartender: $8 please. Customer: There you go. So what’s the Wi-Fi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase!
Hearing problems
George went to the doctor with hearing problems.
The doctor said, “Can you describe the symptoms?”
George said, “Homer’s overweight, and Marge has blue hair.”
Almost time
After an evening out, Roger was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his car parked and walked home. As he was staggering along, he was stopped by a policeman.
“What are you doing out here at 3 o’clock in the morning?” asked the police officer.
“I’m on my way to a lecture,” answered Roger.
“And who on Earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time of night?” the cop asked sarcastically.
Roger answered, “My wife.”
Most wanted
The kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most-wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
“Yes,” said the police officer. “The detectives really want to capture him.”
The youngster said, “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”
Sheepish results
A well-to-do investment banker is driving through the country when he happens across a shepherd guiding a flock of sheep along the road.
For sport, the banker tells the shepherd, “I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock.”
The shepherd thinks it over. It’s a huge flock, so he accepts the bet.
The banker parks his car, whips out his notebook computer, connects it to his cellphone and surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location. From there he feeds the data to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
Within seconds he receives an email on his smartphone that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a database with email on his phone and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his high-tech, miniaturized laser printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says, “You have exactly 261 sheep.”
The shepherd is astonished because the number is exactly correct. He says, “OK, I’m a man of my word. Take a sheep.” The investment banker selects one of the animals and begins to walk away.
“Wait,” yells the shepherd. “Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation.”
The banker readily agrees.
“You are a government investment banker,” says the shepherd.
“Good grief!” sputters the banker. “You are exactly right. Tell me, how did you deduce that?”
“Easy,” says the shepherd. “No guessing required.
“You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about sheep.
“Now would you please give me back my sheepdog?”
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.