Laugh Lines
Spot the big turkey
A woman was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but couldn’t find one big enough for her family.
She asked the stockboy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
He said, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”
Prize hauls
Young Simon was sitting in his grandmother’s kitchen, watching her prepare the Thanksgiving meal. “What are you doing?” he asked.
“Oh, I’m just stuffing the turkey,” his grandmother replied.
“That’s cool,” said Simon. “Are you going to hang it next to the deer?”
Quick succession
The four basic food groups on Thanksgiving:
1. More.
2. A little more.
3. A lot more.
4. Too much.
Notable quotes
From SayingImages. com:
› Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often. – Johnny Carson
› Thanksgiving Day, all over America, families sit down to dinner at the same moment — halftime. — Author unknown
› Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Halftimes take 12 minutes. This is not coincidence. — Erma Bombeck
Two please
It was the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher was just locking up when a man began pounding on the front door. “Please let me in,” he pleaded. “I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don’t come home with one.”
“OK,” said the butcher, “let me see what I have.”
He went to the freezer and discovered one last scrawny turkey. He carried it out to show the man.
“That one is too skinny,” the man complained. “What else you got?”
The butcher took the bird back into the freezer, waited a couple of minutes, then brought the same turkey out.
“Oh, no,” said the man. “That one doesn’t look any better. You better give me both of them!”
Freezer burn
Martha had a parrot called Brutus, who was a fine parrot, except he cursed something awful, a habit he picked up from his previous owner. Martha was having her in-laws over for Thanksgiving, so she needed to train Brutus quickly not to swear. But first thing Thanksgiving morning, Brutus let loose with a string of obscenities. Not knowing exactly what to do, Martha quickly put Brutus in the freezer for two minutes to literally cool him off.
In two minutes, she opened the door and took a wide-eyed Brutus out, along with the turkey she was about to prepare.
“I hope you’ve learned your lesson about cussing,” Martha told Brutus.
Brutus said, “I sure have, but good grief, what did the turkey do?”
Been there
Famous last words at Thanksgiving:
I couldn’t eat another bite. Oh look, pie!
Be prepared
Grandma was showing the children a painting of a Pilgrim family on a Thanksgiving Day card. “The Pilgrim children enjoyed going to church with their mothers and fathers and praying to God,” she told them.
The youngest grandson looked at her doubtfully and asked, “Then why is their Dad carrying that rifle?”
Squawks
After hearing the story of Thanksgiving and how the Indians and the Pil-
grims sat down together, little Nathan climbed up into his father’s lap and said, “Daddy, did you know that if we were Indians, you would be a brave and Mom would be a squawk?”
Dad replied, “Son, that is the best description of your mother I have ever heard” — as he ducked.
Silver linings
So you burnt the turkey? Here’s a dozen reasons to be thankful from Craig Boldman and Pete Matthews, authors of “Every Excuse in the Book: 714 Ways To Say ‘It’s Not My Fault.’”
› Salmonella won’t be a concern
› No one will overeat.
› Everyone will think it’s Cajun blackened.
› Uninvited guests will think twice next year.
› Your Cheese Broccoli Lima Bean Casserole will gain newly found appreciation.
› Pets won’t pester you for scraps.
› The smoke alarm was due for a test.
› Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.
› After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard and play football.
› The less turkey Uncle George eats, the less likely he will be to walk around with his pants unbuttoned.
› You’ll get to the desserts quicker.
› You won’t have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches.
Quickies
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: It was the chicken’s day off.
Q: What’s the difference between a chicken and a turkey?
A: A chicken celebrates
Thanksgiving.
Q: If a big turkey is called a gobbler, what do you call a little turkey? A: A goblet.
Q: How many cooks does it take to stuff a turkey?
A: Just one, but you REALLY have to squeeze to get him in.
Q: What did the farmer get when he crossed a centipede with a turkey?
A: 100 drumsticks. Q: What’s a turkey’s favorite black-tie celebration?
A: The Butter Ball. Q: Did you hear about the X-rated turkey?
A: It has very little dressing.