Laugh Lines
Holiday quickies
› Why are there no knock-knock jokes about America? Because freedom rings.
› How is the American flag like Santa Claus? They both hang out at the pole.
› Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? At the bottom.
› How is a healthy person like the United
States? They both have good constitutions.
› Does England have a 4th of July? Yes, it’s the day between the 3rd and the 5th.
› What’s the difference between a duck and George Washington? One has a bill on his face, and the other has his face on a bill.
› What does the Statue of Liberty stand for? Because she can’t sit down.
› What did one flag say to the other flag? Nothing. It just waved.
› Which American colonists told the most riddles? Punsylvanians.
› Did you hear about the cartoonist in the Continental Army? He was a Yankee doodler.
Run the numbers
During the Revolutionary war, a lieutenant asked a soldier why he was falling back during a really fierce battle.
“Didn’t you hear me say that we’re outnumbered 4 to 1 ?”
The soldier replied, “I got my four, sir.”
Hair lines
As seen on Pinterest:
I was in the elevator with a man with an amazing mustache. I looked him dead in the eye and said, “I mustache you a question.”
He looked at me and said, “Shave it for later.”
And gave me his number. Well played, sir.
State slogans
QuoteScoop.com has compiled a “complete list of state slogans,” all unofficial, of course. Here are 50 favorites.
› Alabama: At Least We’re Not Mississippi
› Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can’t be Wrong!
› Arizona: But It’s a Dry Heat”
› Arkansas: Litterasy Ain’t Everthang
› California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
› Colorado: If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother
› Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only the Kennedys Don’t Own It Yet
› Delaware: First and Forgotten
› Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
› Georgia: Squeeze My Peaches
› Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
› Idaho: Potatoes and … Well … That’s About It
› Illinois: Please Don’t Pronounce the “S”
› Indiana: 50 Million Years Tidal Wave Free
› Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
› Kansas: First of the Rectangle States
› Kentucky: 5 Million People; 15 Last Names
› Louisiana: We’re Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That’s Our Tourism Slogan
› Maine: Cheap Lobster
› Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
› Massachusetts: It’s Wicked!
› Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
› Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes, 10 Billion Mosquitoes › Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
› Missouri: Missouri Loves Company!
› Montana: The Unabomber State
› Nebraska: The “N” Is for Knowledge
› Nevada: Come Happy, Leave Broke
› New Hampshire: Just Like Old Hampshire, but Newer
› New Jersey: You Want a [Expletive] Motto? I Got Yer [Expletive] Motto Right Here!
› New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
› New York: You Have the Right To Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney
› North Carolina: We’re Northier Than South Carolina
› North Dakota: Um … We’ve got … Um … Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones!!
› Ohio: Don’t Judge Us by Cleveland
› Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing
› Oregon: As Pretty as California, But Not as Weird
› Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
› Rhode Island: Small, Yes, But We Know What To Do with It
› South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn’t Actually Surrender
› South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
› Tennessee: Don’t Make Me Take Off My Bible Belt
› Texas: Only Sure Things in Life are Death and Texas
› Utah: 73% Mormon, 100% Sexy
› Vermont: Yep
› Virginia: Please Don’t Confuse Us with West Virginia
› Washington: We Look Good in Flannel
› West Virginia: One Big Happy Family, Really! › Wisconsin: Smell the Dairy-Air
› Wyoming: Wynot?
Redneck birth control
A redneck in the Deep South calls a number he found on a flyer for cheap home vasectomies.
A man on the other side of the line informs him that the procedure is very simple — so simple in fact he can do it on his own.
All he needs is a beer can and a Cherry Bomb firecracker. The man tells the redneck that all he has to do is hold the empty beer can, drop in the firecracker and count to 10.
So the redneck drinks the beer, then lights the firecracker and drops it in the can.
Holding the can in his left hand, he starts counting to 10 on his fingers — 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 …
He then places the can between his thighs and continues to count on the other hand.