Legalese from the courtroom, Part 2
Laugh Lines
This is said to be actual courtroom testimony, as collected at various websites.
Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started at about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
***
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A: No.
*** Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
***
Q: What is your name? A: Ernestine McDowell. Q: And what is your marital status?
A: Fair.
Q: Are you married? A: No, I’m divorced. Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A: A lot of things I didn’t know about.
Q: And who is this person you are speaking of? A: My ex-widow said it.
***
Q: How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A: Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good.
***
Q: Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A: I should be. Q: How many times have you committed suicide? A: Four times.
*** Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Q: Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Before or after he died?
*** Q: Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A: Because he was argumentary, and he couldn’t pronunciate his words.
***
Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A: No.
Q: What was he doing with the dog’s ears?
A: Picking them up in the air.
Q: Where was the dog at this time? A: Attached to the ears.
*** Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
Q: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
***
Q: And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral, OK? What school do you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: How old are you? A: Oral.
***
Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff? A: She is my daughter. Q: Was she your daughter on Feb. 13, 1979?
***
Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim? ***
Q: … and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead. Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
***
Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A: He didn’t offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
***
Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn’t see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered? A: Yes, bandaged. Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
*** Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head. Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
***
Q: What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this defendant? A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she’d kill that [SOB] — and she did!
***
Q: Do you drink when you’re on duty?
A: I don’t drink when I’m on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
***
Q: … any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.
***
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
***
Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn’t it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
***
Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm? A: That is the only kind I know.
***
Q: Did you see my client flee the scene?
A: No, sir, I didn’t. But subsequently I observed someone running several blocks away who matched the description of the offender.
Q: Who provided you with the description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.
Q: A fellow officer of yours provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust this fellow officer? A: Yes, sir, with my life. Q: With your life? Let me then ask you this, officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for the day’s duties?
A: Yes, sir, we do. Q: And do you have a locker in that room? A: Yes, sir, I do.
Q: And do you have a lock on your locker? A: Yes, sir.
Q: Why is it, officer, that if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A: You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex. And sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.