Out yonder
Proving why some people should just stay indoors, www.farandwide.com offers these Yelp reviews from people visiting national parks.
› Grand Canyon National Park: “Whoopity do, Grand Canyon. You are a giant hole in the ground. You were caused by erosion. You don’t have roller coasters or Dippin’ Dots. Jeesh. Can you say ‘overrated’?”
› Hawaii Volcanoes National Park: “Paid $20 to get in. Didn’t even get to touch lava.”
› Yellowstone National Park: “The one thing that makes this place different from other parks is the geysers. I was extremely underwhelmed. They look SO much better in the pictures. If you want a similar look, just boil a pot of water at home. Honestly, though, save yourself some money and boil some water at home.”
› Gateway Arch National Park: “BORING!!! The thing is ugly as sin. It looks like half of a McDonald’s logo, or a giant urinal. And going up to the top of the Arch is the worst. There is nothing to see other than St. Louis’ ugly skyline, which really looks like a generic skyline out of some cheap ’80s indie movie.”
› Great Sand Dunes National Park: “It’s a big mountain of sand.”
› Yosemite National Park: “BTW, the park shuts off some of the waterfalls after mid summer. This is probably due to dwindling Park Service budgets that are spent on toilet paper. Please protest this fiscal mismanagement by STAYING AWAY from Yosemite! Also, there are bears in Yosemite. They practice breaking into cars. Do you want a bear to break into your car? STAY AWAY!”
› Big Bend National Park: “They didn’t expect to get any electricity for at least half a week. Have you ever camped with a woman for half a week where there is no available warm running water anywhere? They start to stink. And complain. And to top it off, we never got to see any bears or mountain lions. Thanks a lot, Obama.”
› Sequoiah National Park: “This place is dangerous. There are bears, mountain lions and, worst of all, sketchy people. Hide your wives, hide your kids, hide your husbands, because they will come [through] your window. There are bugs and stuff, and they will bite you on your face. Don’t waste your time here. Go to Vegas. For sure, Vegas is practical and has 7/11’s.”
› Badlands National Park: “I didn’t see what the big deal was. We drove a million years to see some semi-impressive rock formations? And there were RATTLESNAKES everywhere? Dumb. You lose cell service because you’re in Nowhere USA. The only thing bad about these lands is entire experience. Waste of time. Thank God I was drunk in the backseat for the majority of the trip.”
› Mount Rainier National Park: “I have seen bigger mountains.”
› Joshua Tree National Park: “He [the park ranger] informed us that if he tells us where the arch is and we actually go there, we will create a ‘dangerous situation’ for other visitors. Duh! … ranger Dustin (or Justin), you ruined our trip!”
› Glacier National Park: “At the time of our visit, half of the road was closed due to snow! Well, there was no snow on the mountains and, it being late June, it could not possibly have snowed there! Was there a UFO landing? Pretty fishy.
› Carlsbad Caverns National Park: “They don’t enforce their rules. Children run (almost pushing you over the railing/ledge) and yell. Most people have bad odor and stink.”
› Zion National Park: “My guess is the people that love this place never get out much.”
› Haleakala National Park: “I have no idea why anyone would rave so much about this stupid crater. We woke up at 3:30 a.m. and drove for 2.5 hours each way to watch something that looks better on Google Images while freezing to death. Do yourself a favor and just google ‘pretty sunrise’ and save yourself the disappointment.”
› Crater Lake National Park: “There’s an amazingly deep and creepy lake. There’s a crappy lodge where they have mac and cheese. In the summertime, there are pestilent yogurt-guzzling hordes.”
› Mammoth Cave National Park: “Maybe our expectations were set high. Maybe two young guys looking for adventure was not what this place could handle, but wow was this burning. When they turned all the lights off and told you to listen to the cave, ranger Ashley would not stop talking. I am upset about this and wish I went to the distilleries instead.”
› Acadia National Park: “The only thing I really got out of my visit was a whole lot of jokes containing the phrase ‘Thunder Hole.’”
› Grand Teton National Park: “$30 to get in. … Are you kidding me! They raised the prices! What? Is the road paved with gold or something to make it that expensive?”
› Rocky Mountain National Park: “Way overrated. First of all, there’s wildlife everywhere. Who wants to run into a moose on the trail? What if it eats you? And the rangers are all way too friendly. It’s like they’re completely oblivious to all the suffering in the world. Plus there’s not a single Starbucks on any of the trailheads. Finally, too many snow-capped mountains. I like to see the horizon at all times. It calms me.”
› Great Smoky Mountains National Park: “It’s a bit scary with all the signs about controlling your children because people have fallen to their death on the trail.”
› Bryce Canyon National Park: “I would recommend not to go in the cold months because it is very cold.”
› Everglades National Park: “Keep it moving, folks. Nothing to see here. There’s actually nothing to see.”
› Lassen Volcanic National Park: “I literally walked into the volcano! Three days later, the smell won’t leave my nostrils!”
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.