5 ways to reconnect with your spouse
Note: Various colleagues are filling in while First Things First President and CEO Lauren Hall is on maternity leave. The following was written by John
Daum and published at firstthings. org last October.
Feeling disconnected from your spouse can be as confusing as it is concerning. You might be wondering if you’re imagining things. (We all do this at times.) Or is this a normal feeling during a hectic season of life? (We all go through those times.) Is it a sign of something deeper and perhaps more troubling? (Maybe. But let’s not rush there.)
The question is: What will you do about this feeling of disconnection? Here are five suggestions to help you get to the bottom of this situation.
1. Tell your spouse how you feel.
Sounds obvious, right? We often sit with these feelings for far too long without dealing with them directly. You can be as straightforward as: I just wanted to let you know that I feel disconnected from you lately. Can we talk about it?
Your spouse might feel the same way, and you can begin to address it together. Your spouse might explain how they’ve been stressed out lately and offer to plan time together to reconnect.
2. Share your need to feel more connected with your spouse, and include the actions and activities that help you feel connected.
We’re all wired differently. We experience connection uniquely. Your spouse might think that if there aren’t any obvious problems, all is well in your marriage. (If we’re keeping things real, this is often the default setting for many people.)
3. Make sure you’re taking care of yourself.
This is not a roundabout way to say this is all in your head. This is human nature. If you’re mentally burned out, emotionally spent, and/or physically exhausted — disconnected from your best self — you’ll feel disconnected from those around you.
You might need some alone time. Engage in some things that recharge and reenergize you. Don’t feel an ounce of guilt for taking care of yourself. This equips you to connect with others in meaningful ways.
4. Take a look at your circumstances.
Have there been some significant changes? Have you or your spouse’s schedules become crazy? (Has your child’s schedule become crazy?) Have your usual routines been disrupted? New career demands? Travel? Are in-laws stopping by more often? Any of these things can easily disrupt the typical ways you connect with your spouse.
If you can’t change your circumstances, you can intentionally carve out time to connect with your spouse. You might have to try some new approaches. Get creative. Be sure you’re getting the most out of your time together. (Don’t just sit on the couch and watch a movie. Snuggle up on the couch and watch a movie.)
5. Don’t be afraid to get help. By disconnected, do you mean things like:
› Uninterested in spending time with your spouse?
› Uninterested in resolving conflict?
› Uninterested in connecting emotionally?
› Uninterested in physical touch or sex?
These can be signs of deeper relationship issues that a date night isn’t going to fix. If you feel like your spouse is more of a roommate and less of a soulmate, it’s time to seek some counseling. Whatever you have to do to connect with your spouse is worth it.
Bonus: Focus on giving love, not receiving it. Watch what happens.