Help! I can’t get over the age difference!
I received two similar questions within the last week I thought were worth sharing:
1. “I need your tough love/ thoughts. I’m a 37F and I have been dating a 29M for three months now. We met out in the wild (not on a dating app), but I just can’t get over the age difference. It’s fun right now and we have a lot in common, but how could this age difference work long term?!”
2. “I met a guy ‘offline’ … at a restaurant about a week and a half ago. I bought him a drink, we chatted for a bit and exchanged numbers. We’ve been texting back and forth and are planning to meet for a casual dinner this weekend. This is my question: I know he is 54, but he has no idea that I am 69. My looks, spirit and energy are more like someone much younger. Should I tell him before we go to dinner? Do I bring it up during the date? I’m not attached to any outcome … just don’t know what’s the right thing to do.”
In both cases, the woman is older. And in both cases, she is worried about the age difference — or the perception of the age difference. Why? The optics? Societal pressures? Social stigmas? Or are there actual compatibility concerns?
Here’s what’s important in a relationship: fun, commonalities, shared values, lifestyle compatibility … fun again. (Obviously this list is not exhaustive.)
It’s hard enough to find all those things, so when you find it, don’t talk yourself out of it because of the double standards society has put in our heads. Age doesn’t matter unless you make it matter.
Now, I certainly don’t want to make light of the fact that age can be a sensitive topic when it comes to dating, especially since on the online dating sites, it’s listed front and center, right next to your first name. But it’s more than possible to build a meaningful connection regardless of the gap.
Can there be “too much” of an age gap, though?
Obviously, determining an acceptable age gap is subjective and depends on the people involved. While there’s no definitive rule, let’s elaborate on one point above.
When thinking about life stages, or lifestyle compatibility, consider where both partners are in their lives. Significant differences in life stages might lead to varying priorities. In the first example above, if one partner is looking to have children in the next few years (more likely the 37-year-old woman) and the younger man wants to wait a significantly longer time, then of course age is something to consider more heavily.
Studies have shown that the average age difference (for a heterosexual couple) is 2.3 years, with the man older than the woman. In 64% of heterosexual couples, the man is older. Many movies and other media only exacerbate these numbers.
In so many ways, society has progressed, yet rarely do people blink an eye at the 24-year age difference between Melania and Donald Trump. They blink both eyes for the same age gap in reference to Brigitte and Emmanuel Macron. Ponder that.
That’s where I’ll choose to leave this conversation: When evaluating an age gap in a potential partnership, ask yourself, “Am I concerned about actual lifestyle/ life stage differences? Or am I concerned about what people will think/say?”
If the former, regardless of age, that is certainly worth a large consideration in any relationship.
If the latter, I recommend not giving into arbitrary “rules” and finding out for yourself if you’re compatible. So many factors determine compatibility, and age is just one of them.
To the woman who sent me the first question I listed at the top of this discussion, I asked, “Would you ask this if the age difference were the other way around?” And she replied, “No. I’m definitely good at getting in my own way. Am I doing that here?” Yes, I believe she is.
To the second, I said, “He asked you out because he wanted to! Just have a great time. I feel like you think he is going to reject you for it. Not the case. Or that you’re somehow hiding something. Also not the case. If he really wanted to know your age that badly, he would have asked.”
I hope both women continue exploring their respective situations with an open heart and an open mind … and sunscreen and moisturizer for all!