What really happens when parents fight in front of kids
My husband and I argued last week. I don’t remember what it was about, but I know the topic was trivial, the discussion was barely elevated and it lasted maybe two minutes. Neither one of us thought much of it.
My 4-yearold, on the other hand, seemed to be deeply affected by our discourse. So much so that he ran over to my husband and began to “pretend” to punch him. We asked him what was going on and he said, “You two fighting makes me angry, and I want to fight. I choose Mom’s side. Attack Dad!”
While I was slightly honored that he chose to defend me, I was deeply disturbed by his reaction to our seemingly meaningless bickering. I became very aware of the weight our actions as a couple truly have on our children.
Arguing in front of children has long been a subject of concern for psychologists and educators, but the depth of its effect continues to reveal itself through research and clinical observation. As I researched this topic, it became increasingly evident that the effects of parental conflict can extend far beyond the moment of disgruntled banter.
A study published in the Journal of Family Psychology examined the long-term consequences of parental conflict on children’s mental health. Researchers followed over 200 families for a decade and found that children who witnessed frequent and intense arguments between their parents were more likely to experience anxiety, depression and behavioral problems later in life. The study emphasized that the intensity and frequency of the conflict, rather than its resolution, were significant predictors of children’s outcomes.
In addition, how parents handle conflict sets a crucial example for their children. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned psychologist and relationship expert, created the term “the conflict blueprint” to describe how children internalize their parents’ methods of resolving disputes. If parents resort to yelling, name-calling or aggression during arguments, children are more likely to adopt similar strategies in their own relationships, perpetuating a cycle of conflict.
Likewise, academic performance can also be adversely affected by parental conflict. A study published in the Journal of Child Development found that children exposed to frequent arguments at home were more likely to have difficulty concentrating in school and achieving academic success. The stress and distraction caused by parental conflict can impair cognitive functioning, making it harder for children to focus, retain information and perform to their full potential.
The effect of parental conflict extends beyond the immediate family dynamic and far beyond childhood. Children who witness their parents arguing may struggle to form healthy relationships outside the home. They may have difficulty trusting others, resolving conflicts peacefully and communicating effectively — all of which are essential skills for navigating social interactions.
So what can parents do to mitigate the negative effects of disagreements on their children?
First, parents must recognize the effect of their arguments and strive to resolve conflicts respectfully and constructively. Seeking professional help, such as couples therapy or parenting classes, can provide valuable tools and strategies for managing disagreements healthily.
Second, creating a supportive and nurturing environment at home can buffer children from the effects of parental conflict. Spending quality time together as a family, fostering open communication and reassuring children of their safety and well-being can help alleviate the stress and anxiety caused by witnessing the occasional argument.
If you fear some damage has already been done, or you find yourself in a surprising situation like we did, talk openly with your children about how they’re feeling. No matter how meaningless the argument may seem to you, when a child feels tension between their parents, they’ll internalize their emotions and blame themselves for the disruption in the safety of their home. This is developmentally appropriate and should encourage parents to reach out to their children with curiosity and reassure them of the love and safety in the family.
As parents, we set the tone in everything we do. It’s essential to recognize the effect of our words and actions on our children and strive to cultivate an environment of harmony, respect and love within our families. By doing so, we can empower our children to thrive and flourish, both now and in the years to come.