Classroom woes

Walking through the hallways at the middle school where he works, a teacher saw a new substitute teacher standing outside his classroom with his forehead against a locker.

He heard him mutter, “How did you get yourself into this?”

Knowing that he was assigned to a difficult class, the full-timer tried to offer moral support.

“Are you OK,” he asked. “Can I help?”

The sub lifted his head and replied, “I’ll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of his locker.” › “The Pope is coming to America tomorrow. When the Pope’s plane lands in the United States, President Obama is going to be there to greet him. President Obama is going to be the guy at arrivals holding a sign that says ‘ Pope.’” — Conan O’Brien › “The Pope is coming to the United States and visiting New York, Washington, D.C., and Philadelphia, but not Los Angeles. The Pope said, ‘Let’s be honest. I probably won’t make it out of Philly.’” — Conan O’Brien › “Pope Francis will fly on American Airlines while traveling between Washington, New York and Philadelphia, and not, as I had assumed, Virgin.” — Seth Meyers › “President Obama picked up Pope Francis at the airport. Because what better way to alleviate the traffic the Pope is about to cause than sending out a presidential motorcade?” — Jimmy Fallon › “The trip to Washington, D.C., has actually been very educational for the Pope. You know, because he’s only ever read about purgatory.” — Jimmy Fallon › “I saw that top congressional leaders sent a statement to the House and Senate with guidelines for Pope Francis’ visit, including a request to not shake his hand. Apparently, they’re worried that if politicians touch the Pope they’ll burst into flames.” — Jimmy Fallon › “In addition to the ‘no shaking hands,’ Congress was given a lot of rules about the Pope’s visit. First, there’s ‘Don’t fakesneeze just to get an easy blessing out of the Pope.’” — Jimmy Fallon › “The Pope is a very humble man. He doesn’t believe in extravagance. He’s not a fan of commercialism or consumerism. With that said, this is how we welcome him here in the United States — with Pope Francis bobbleheads, with Pope Francis dolls, T-shirts that say ‘Pope Is Dope.’” — Jimmy Kimmel › “New York City plans to deploy an extra 6,000 police officers to help guard Pope Francis during his visit. It’ll be the most protection a Catholic has ever used.” — Seth Meyers › “The Pope addressed about 11,000 people at the welcoming event. He spoke about climate change. He said it’s a problem that ‘can no longer be left to a future generation.’ Global warming is a very important issue for the Pope because as you know he has to wear a floor- length, longsleeved gown to work every day and it’s hot.” — Jimmy Kimmel