Helping vs. enabling
How to be there for a family member who’s an addict
Dear Jenny, My son is addicted to drugs. He is constantly in trouble, and has been in jail for possession of drugs and driving under the influence. He doesn’t have a job and is hungry. He is homeless and wants to come home. I have helped him more times than I can count, but it never seems to work. I don’t know how to not help him, because thinking of the alternative is almost paralyzing. I am absolutely devastated. What can I do?
— Worried
Jenny says: As I mother, I understand it’s in your heart and soul to want to help your son. There is a difference, though, between helping and enabling. Helping is doing something for someone who cannot do it for themselves. Enabling is doing something for someone that they should and can do for themselves. By definition, you are enabling your son.
Enabling comes from a place of love, but it is contributing to your son’s addiction. By enabling him, you create a comfortable environment for him. He can continue to use drugs and act irresponsibly because there are little to no consequences. He knows you will be there for him if he gets into trouble or needs something; in this case, food and shelter. Instead of opening your home to him with all it has to offer, provide him with a number to a shelter, government program or treatment facility. Remember, money is the lifeblood of addiction. Financial support in any way will continue to delay the natural consequences of his behaviors. It can be very difficult to say no, and I empathize with your feelings of fear and devastation.
Loving an addict can be heartbreaking, but you need to remove the safety net and let your son feel the impact of his decisions. Once you do this, he will try to manipulate you in an effort to get you to continue your help. At that time it will be important for you to have someone to talk to who can reassure you and give you strength. In the interim, continue to provide love and support for your son, but point him in the right direction to obtain the help he needs.