VIN DIESEL MAKES A FOOL OF HIMSELF IN THIRD ‘ XXX’
A failure to have seen the other two films in the “xXx” franchise is not a barrier for entry into “xXx: Return of Xander Cage,” which helpfully introduces characters, old and new, with cheeky mini bios that let you know who does what.
All you really need to know about Xander ( Vin Diesel) is that he was a secret spy for the NSA and was assumed dead.
Xander, it turns out, has been lying low in the Dominican Republic. Well, not that low — his entrée sees him being chased by authorities as he extreme skis ( through the jungle!) to safety, his spy logo still prominently tattooed on the back of his neck. So he’s not all that hard to find when steely intelligence chief Marke ( Toni Collette, chewing scenery like a pro) decides to recruit him for a job.
A secret device known as Pandora’s Box ( of course) has fallen into the wrong hands, and those wrong hands have been using it to hijack satellites and send them crashing to Earth like bombs. One of those satellite bombs took out Augustus Gibbons ( Samuel L. Jackson), recruiter for the xXx program. Xander takes the job; now, it’s personal.
To retrieve the device, Xander assembles a motley crew of xXx misfits: teal-haired Adele ( Ruby Rose), the sharpshooter; daredevil Tennyson ( Rory McCann), the driver; Nicks ( Kris Wu), the . . . DJ?
The film is packed with moments of rank idiocy: flying an elite crew on a super secret mission to a distant island on an airplane massive enough to make the Spruce Goose seem covert; shooting a man in the torso and just assuming he’s dead even though an underling was instructed to outfit him with high- tech body armor; surfing on dirt bikes. Surfing. On. Dirt. Bikes. Which could be fun lunacy if it weren’t all so embarrassing. Diesel is ridiculous here: a puffy, lunk- headed James Bond pushing 50, garbling witless wisecracks through what sounds like a mouthful of Pop Rocks in the rare screen time he can grab from his obvious stunt doubles.
Some sage advice is dispensed near the end of the movie: “Kick some [ butt], get the girl and try to look dope while you’re doing it.” Alas, the words of wisdom come too late. “xXx: Return of Xander Cage” manages everything but the most crucial bit.