GRIEF, GUILT LED TO WILLIAMS’ HIATUS
Sister’s death weighed on Williams before taking break from football at Utah
Joe Williams heard his father’s screams from the next room as his sister lay in death’s grip. But Williams felt paralyzed, strapped down to his bed by shock and emotions.
Nearly a decade later, through the start of a 2016 season in which he emerged as one of the most productive and puzzling running backs in college football, Williams was still having flashbacks — to helping 7- year- old Kylee when she fell out of bed earlier that night, to carrying her to the bathroom, to riding to the hospital where she was pronounced dead of an undiagnosed heart problem.
“That’s where the guilt comes in,” Williams told USA TODAY Sports recently. “Because maybe if I had got out of my bed and maybe I’d held her or she knew I was there, maybe she would’ve woken up. That was the biggest reason of why I blame myself.”
This is the story behind the story of Williams walking away from the University of Utah football team in September — a story he’s telling NFL teams as they prepare for April’s draft and try to figure out whether Williams might walk out on them, too.
He rejoined the Utes less than a month after his so- called retirement, flashing the speed that intrigues scouts while running for 1,332 yards and 10 touchdowns in their last seven games. A fresh tattoo reading “My Sister’s Keeper” on his left arm gave a clue about where his head had been.
Williams, 23, doesn’t blame his legal issues and other past mistakes on what happened June 19, 2007, nor was it the sole reason he needed a break last fall. He was worn out mentally and physically. He was compensating with prescription drugs. But those who know Williams best believe the process of forgiving himself has been the toughest run of his life.
According to a lawsuit filed by the family, Kylee had chest pain, was vomiting and had other symptoms when she was admitted to the emergency room the previous day. She was diagnosed with a viral syndrome and dehydration and discharged. Joe Williams, then 13, said he helped mon-
itor her fluids overnight. But when Kylee fell out of bed again, it was her father, Kenny, who found her halfway under the bed, foam coming out of her nose and eyes rolled back in her head.
A 911 call brought an ambulance that took Kylee to a different hospital, but it was too late. The cause of death was acute myocarditis — inflammation of the heart muscle.
Joe Williams recalls giving depositions as part of the lawsuit ( the court approved a financial settlement in 2012), attending counseling and therapy he didn’t like, lashing out at his parents and through his behavior. When Williams was 18, his father said, he was diagnosed with manic depression.
“We could tell he was not the person that he normally is,” Kenny Williams said. “And even now, he has his good days and he has his bad days. I believe he smiles a lot because he doesn’t want people to see the pain.”
The emotional strain left Williams feeling he lacked physical fortitude. He had shin splints and overall body pain. He took prescription Tylenol and sometimes Vicodin or Percocet to get through the day, NyQuil to sleep, Adderall to wake up. After two poor games to start last season, getting yelled at by Utah coach Kyle Whittingham and benched during a win against BYU, Williams informed the team he was leaving. “I can’t do it anymore,” Whittingham recalled him saying.
“What brought me to the decision was just how bad my mental health was going,” Williams said. “Before leaving, there would be times of the day where I would always be that 13- year- old kid grieving about his sister and just holding her as she died in my arms. I took a lot of painkillers to mask the pain that I had from it, the stress that it was causing. And football just wasn’t a big enough outlet for that emotion.”
Williams got the tattoo started amid what he calls “a lot of soul- searching” during his time away from football. He says he received psychiatric help and counseling, kept taking online classes and looked for a job. He says he never gave up on playing in the NFL, even before Utah coaches approached him in light of injuries that depleted the backfield and Williams returned with a 34carry, 179- yard explosion in a win at Oregon State.
“It was like he had been rejuvenated. He was quicker, he was faster — everything was back to normal,” Whittingham said. “He was a different person when he came back and maybe realized how much he missed it.”
Whittingham believes it when Williams says he won’t walk out on the game he loves again. Williams says he’s done with painkillers. He says he’s happy. If an NFL team wants him to continue counseling, Williams says, he’ll do it.
The memory remains, but Kylee is now part of why Williams hopes teams will believe in him.
“People make it a big deal that I quit on the team. To me, it was necessary,” Williams said. “I was learning to come to grips with the fact that it wasn’t my fault. I’m 23 years old now, and I can’t blame myself for something that occurred 10 years ago, no matter how painful or traumatic it was.
“It would be bigger to honor her in a much more meaningful way.”