THE FIRST ‘ THOR’: SIMPLY PITIFUL
This review drew complaints from fans who liked Chris Hemsworth’s debut as Thor and insisted many of the faults Ebert found were true to the comic books. Ebert wrote a follow- up column wishing he’d written a “more bemused and whimsical” review.
‘ Thor” is failure as a movie, but a success as marketing, an illustration of the ancient carnival tactic of telling the rubes anything to get them into the tent. “You won’t believe what these girls take off !” a carny barker promised me and my horny pals one steamy night at the Champaign County Fair. He was close. We didn’t believe what they left on.
The failure of “Thor” begins at the story level, with a screenplay that essentially links special effects. Some of the dialog is mock heroic (“You are unworthy of your title, and I’ll take from you your power!”) and some of it winks ironically (“You know, for a crazy homeless person he’s pretty cut.”) It adapts the original Stan Lee strategy for Marvel, where characters sometimes spoke out of character.
The story might perhaps be adequate for an animated film for children, with Thor, Odin and the others played by piglets. In the arena of movies about comic book superheroes, it is a desolate vastation. Nothing exciting happens, nothing of interest is said, and the special effects evoke not a place or a time but simply special effects.
Thor to begin with is not an interesting character. The gods of Greek, Roman and Norse mythology share the same problem, which is that what you see is what you get. Thor is a particularly limited case. What does he do? He wields a hammer. That is what he does. You don’t have to be especially intelligent to wield a hammer, which is just as well, because in the film Thor ( Chris Hemsworth) doesn’t seem to be the brightest bulb in Asgard.
Thor arrives on Earth on a bridge that’s more of a gateway through time and space, which would explain why Asgardians hurtle across intergalactic light- years and land in New Mexico without a hair out of place.
Thor is the first to arrive, and encounters three human scientists. Whether he is human himself is a question the film sidesteps. We know from mythology that gods sometimes mated with humans, which is a hopeful sign. The humans are astrophysicist Jane Foster ( Natalie Portman), her friend Darcy ( Kat Dennings) and the distinguished Dr. Erik Sevig ( Stellan Skarsgard). This is not a Meet Cute for the gods. Later there’s a me- teoric event in which Thor’s hammer hurtles to earth and becomes embedded so firmly that it can’t be pulled loose by a pickup truck or even the federal government.
Superhero movies live and die on the quality of their villains. “Thor” has a shabby crew. Thor’s brother Loki ( Tom Hiddleston) is dark- haired, skinny, shiftyeyed and sadly lacking in charisma. He might as well be wearing a name tag: “Hi! I can’t be trusted!” He and other villains lack adequate interest to supply a climactic battle, so the movie fabricates a Metal Giant, sends him to the New Mexico town, and has him blast fiery rays that blow up gas stations real good but always miss his targets. He is apparently killed by a sword through his spine, but why does he need a spine since when his mask lifts we can see his head is an empty cavern?
And what about that town? It seems to be partly a set with two interiors ( the diner and Jane’s office) and partly CGI. It seems to go for a few blocks and then end abruptly in barren desert. Not even any suburbs or strip malls. I know aliens from other worlds are required to arrive in New Mexico, but why stay there? Why can’t the Metal Giant attack the Golden Gate Bridge or scale a Trump Tower somewhere? Who cares he if turns a 7- Eleven into a fireball?
Here is a film that is scoring 79 percent on Rotten Tomatoes. For what? The standards for superhero movies have been established by “Superman,” “The Dark Knight,” “Spider- Man 2” and “Iron Man.” In that company “Thor” is pitiful. Consider even the comparable villains ( Lex Luthor, the Joker, Doc Ock and Obadiah Stane). Memories of all four come instantly to mind. Will you be thinking of Loki six minutes after this movie is over?