She was my hus­band’s mis­tress (I think) and un­wel­come at party

Chicago Sun-Times - - ENTERTAINM­ENT - DEAR ABBY AD­VICE Dear Abby is writ­ten by Abi­gail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Con­tact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los An­ge­les, CA 90069.

Dear Abby: My hus­band of nearly 22 years and I di­vorced last year af­ter he told me he didn’t want to be mar­ried any­more and didn’t know if he ever loved me. Since our split, he has bought a home with an­other woman — the same woman I sus­pected him of hav­ing an af­fair with, and the same woman he en­cour­aged me to be­friend dur­ing our mar­riage. (I even took her on a trip to Europe.)

Our son is grad­u­at­ing from high school. We are plan­ning a be­lated, so­cially dis­tanced grad­u­a­tion party for my son, and my ex wants to bring her. My chal­lenge is that I am with some­one new as well, but he is some­one who came into my life a cou­ple of months af­ter my ex and I sep­a­rated. I want him to be at the party, but I don’t want her there. I feel our cir­cum­stances are quite dif­fer­ent.

My son is my pri­or­ity, so I am lean­ing to­ward ask­ing my new sig­nif­i­cant other not to at­tend, and then ask­ing that she not at­tend ei­ther. I’m still hurt by their ac­tions. What is the pro­to­col here, and what should I do?

Proud Mom Mov­ing On

Dear Mom: I un­der­stand your hurt feel­ings, but, as you wrote, the party is a cel­e­bra­tion of your son’s achieve­ment and noth­ing else. If things turn out as it ap­pears they will, your ex may marry this woman, and she would be to some ex­tent in your life when your son mar­ries, starts a fam­ily, etc. (Sorry!)

The sav­ing grace through all of this is you have a new part­ner in your life who can help buf­fer you. For­tu­nately, you will be so­cial dis­tanc­ing, so you won’t have to spend much time in her space. While you don’t have to wel­come this woman with open arms, please ob­serve the so­cial niceties and de­vote the ma­jor­ity of your time to min­gling with the other guests.

Dear Abby: I met a man many years ago. Shortly af­ter­ward, my hus­band passed away. I was in a tough spot, and this man came to my res­cue. He of­fered me a place to live, but I re­fused. Af­ter a few months, I started re­ceiv­ing love let­ters from him. I care­fully an­swered them, telling him I had got­ten in­volved with some­one else, but if it didn’t work out, I might con­sider dat­ing him.

Af­ter about a month, he be­gan show­ing up at my house. By then I was liv­ing with my new man, “Roger.” I ex­plained I was in love and he should leave, but he still showed up at my house every cou­ple of months.

I was with Roger for 11 years, but af­ter a bat­tle with heart prob­lems, he died. This man showed up while Roger was in a coma. I told him with much anger sev­eral times to please stop com­ing to my house.

Two days af­ter Roger’s death, he again showed up. He asked if it was OK to take me on a date now, and I lost it. I or­dered him to never come to my door again and told him I would never date him. He has started send­ing me love let­ters again. I don’t an­swer them. He still calls or sends an­gry let­ters and still comes by ask­ing if I would like to go on a date. Help!

Fed Up in Wash­ing­ton

Dear Fed Up: If you have a lawyer, have him/her write the man a for­mal let­ter telling him you have tried to po­litely dis­cour­age his at­ten­tions and that if he per­sists in ha­rass­ing you, he will be re­ported to the po­lice as a stalker. Then fol­low through by fil­ing a re­port with the author­i­ties.

P.S. If your home is not equipped with a se­cu­rity sys­tem, con­sider in­stalling one. He is creepy.

THE SAME WOMAN I SUS­PECTED HIM OF HAV­ING AN AF­FAIR WITH, AND THE SAME WOMAN HE EN­COUR­AGED ME TO BE­FRIEND DUR­ING OUR MAR­RIAGE.

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