Help Wanted: Mayor of great but fractured city of Chicago
HELP WANTED: MAYOR
EMPLOYER NAME: CITIZENS OF CHICAGO, ILL.
LOCATION: CHICAGO, ILL.
JOB DESCRIPTION: We are looking to hire a hardworking, ambitious, caring, detail-oriented person with big vision who can guide the great but fractured city of Chicago in a time of urgent need.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: The ideal candidate will be someone equally interested in the West, South and North sides of the city, equally supportive of the Sox and the Cubs and able to at least make small talk about all other teams with “Chicago” in the title. Must also care about the environment and the arts.
He/she/they will ensure the city is safe, clean and livable for residents of all economic classes, as well as attractive to tourists.
This person will be willing to work seven days a week, march in parades regardless of weather, smile and make small talk while eating unwanted food in neighborhood restaurants, and endure criticism for, well, pretty much everything.
FURTHER REQUIREMENTS: The top candidate will be both honest and shrewd, someone who understands how the Chicago political game is played but able to play it without selling out the public.
Ideally, this person will demonstrate a commitment to ridding the city of the following: potholes, loopholes, crooks, excessive taxes, lead pipes, icy sidewalks, pooping geese, train delays, idiotic drivers, idiotic bikers, rats and high humidity. Even three of those would be good.
The preferred candidate will understand that criticizing previous mayors is not a substitute for ideas on how to move the city forward.
The person selected for this job must also:
■ Have a working knowledge of finance.
■ Encourage development but say no to developers eager to destroy the city’s charm for their own profit.
■ Attract jobs to low-income neighborhoods in a way that empowers local residents.
■ Understand that the city’s violence is not a single problem but is, rather, the cause and consequence of several connected problems. The ideal candidate will not be deterred by the inability of previous mayors to solve those problems. At the same time, he/she/ they will not promise quick solutions for political gain.
AGE REQUIREMENT: Old enough to know who Jane Byrne and Michael Bilandic were and to understand the political power of snow. Young enough to know that Chance the Rapper is more than a rapper.
LANGUAGE REQUIREMENTS: As illustrated by certain previous jobholders, perfect English is not necessary, though an ability to communicate with residents of all kinds is a must.
PREVIOUS POLITICAL EXPERIENCE: Optional, though a practical understanding of the political process is necessary.
EDUCATION LEVEL: No specific degree required but must know:
■ The difference between “Daily” and “Daley.”
■ How to pronounce “dem” and “dose.”
■ How to spell pierogi, chimichanga and bibimbap. Or at least know what they are.
Also, must be smart enough to never engage the “ketchup” question but smart enough to know what the question is. ANNUAL PAY: $216,210.
ADDITIONAL REQUIREMENTS:
■ The willingness to listen and, when appropriate, to say “I was wrong.”
■ A dedication to treating people of all kinds respectfully. This includes political opponents, except when the opponents are racists/crooks/sexists/ jerks of whatever variety, in which case the ideal candidate must be able to punch like Mike Tyson.
■ A thick skin. Whatever his/her/ their skin color, the top candidate must be able to weather criticism of, well, as previously mentioned, pretty much everything.
MEDIA SKILLS: The preferred candidate will be honest and open with the media. In addition, he/she/they will hire media representatives willing to supply journalists with honest and prompt information.
OTHER: When asked “Why the (expletive) would anyone want this impossible (expletive) job?” the ideal candidate will have a good answer, preferably sincere. Sense of humor and a smidgen of humility a plus.
WHAT WE OFFER: The chance to guide and watch over our beautiful, brawling, welcoming, ever-shifting city by the lake. The chance to meet and learn from people of every race, age, nationality, religion, gender preference and political party. The chance to be part of making a great but troubled city even better.
HOW TO CONTACT US: Twitter. Facebook. Radio. TV. In our parks, schools, neighborhood restaurants. At our “L” stops. No negative ads, please.
IF THIS IS YOU: If you’re ready to be the next mayor of Chicago, submit your application today! Applicant pool filling up fast!