What if parents dislike a child’s friend?
however, their job is identity formation, and friends are a big part of this, Pandarinath said.
“But you are still the parent, and your child is still learning,” she said. “You need to set clear expectations about how your child should act and support them in safely failing,” she said.
This may mean letting them be hurt in a friendship, and that means you have to be there to wipe their tears and help them reach their own wisdom about what happened and what it means to be a friend.
Toxic friendships may need a different approach, however.
Pandarinath suggested approaching these with an attitude of curiosity, rather than an outright ban.
“Teens are very sensitive to authority, and it is developmentally appropriate for them to push boundaries,” she said.
You can tell them your factbased concerns, but try to remove your emotions from the situation, and don’t try to manipulate or maneuver your child, because she will see this and push back.
And while parents will have a hard time banning friends in the teen years, they can encourage their children to expand their social lives and to make new friends, said Christy Thrash, a licensed psychologist in Colorado.
“Parents can do this by signing their kids up for new after-school or church activities, or helping them find a part-time job where they will work with kids their age,” Thrash said.
It’s a different situation if your child is in potential danger from a friendship.
A child’s frontal lobes aren’t fully developed, so they underestimate risks and may think they’re invincible, said Kimberly Schaffer, a licensed clinical social worker in New Jersey.
“If the child continues to engage in the friendship after the parents have discussed their concerns, parents must do whatever they can to end the friendship,” Schaffer said.
Sometimes, this means going to the extreme and switching schools. This works if your child is being bullied and the school isn’t taking corrective action, said Casherie Bright, a mental health counselor in Utah. It could also help if your child has made poor choices and needs a clean slate.
“I think that moving should be a last-ditch effort, however,” Bright said.
That’s because it is not guaranteed to work.
“If the child picks up a negative peer group and wants to be with the druggies because they feel accepted or feel like they belong there, they could possibly just find the same type of kids at the new school,” she said.
Because a utopian school doesn’t exist, children need to be armed with the strength to resist temptations and peer pressure regardless of the setting, said Donna Aucoin, a licensed medical psychologist who works with children, schools and families in Lafayette, La.
If necessary, Aucoin said, a teenager may need monthly random drug screens, for instance, if he is choosing to spend time with friends engaging in drug use or making other poor choices.
In the meantime, fostering an open and honest communication style with your child and educating her about drug and alcohol use, risk factors and addiction are helpful, said Kelley Kitley, licensed clinical social worker in Chicago.
When your child is associating with a more positive group of friends, it’s important to reward that behavior.
“Increasing supervision and structure at home when their kids make bad choices, and then allowing them more freedom when they make positive choices will go a long way in fostering a healthy amount of independence in teens,” Thrash said.
It may also convince them to make friends that make both of you happy.