‘Ghosting’ is rude, but expecting a fast response is unreasonable

Dear Miss Manners: I am sick and tired of receiving no response to my text messages! I have recently learned this is called “ghosting,” which leaves one in limbo, never knowing why the other party does not respond. Perhaps nowadays, people feel entitled to a sense of digital anonymity. They don’t bother to respond because they feel they don’t have to. But I feel we should give others a response to messages we receive via email or text, even if it is just to say “I no longer wish to participate in this discussion.”

Could you please give me a link that I can send to these ill-mannered people that politely tells them what I think of their inconsideration?

Gentle reader: What makes you think that people who will not even respond to a text a few words long will click on, and read, a whole link?

Texting can produce a false sense of urgency and intimacy. While it is rude to not answer at all, expecting others to do so immediately, or on your time frame, is equally unreasonable.

Miss Manners recommends that if the matter in question in these texts requires a response, you find an alternate means of communication.

Dear Miss Manners: Friends of ours invited us to a pancake breakfast at their high school, a fundraiser for the boys basketball team. Even though we live in a different school district, we wanted to go because we support our friends, and we really like pancakes.

As we were getting ready to go, my husband emerged wearing our own school colors. I told him that unless we were going to a sports competition, it was in poor taste to dress like that at another school’s event. He said that at the next pancake breakfast, he will dress however Miss Manners suggests.

Gentle reader: Why was your husband trying to ruin everyone’s pancakes? Particularly when he is kind enough to say he will follow Miss Manners’ instructions.

You were guests in this school’s house. Miss Manners agrees that dressing to show hometown loyalty is somewhat aggressive and impolite.

Dear Miss Manners: I have a sweet, loving, wellmannered dog. When I am walking her on her leash, strangers look aghast at her, and me, and tell me my dog should be muzzled or on a chain, not a leash. They ask why I am “bringing a dangerous dog out in public,” etc. In case you can’t guess, she is a pit bull.

What would be a polite response?

Gentle reader: “I can assure you that my dog is not dangerous, and I would never allow her to hurt anyone. Nor,” you may say pointedly, “to approach and insult a stranger unsolicited.”

Dear Miss Manners: I am a 31-year-old man who works in a midsized office comprised mostly of women. I am the only unmarried and childless man in the office. I am also gay, but not obviously so, and I am generally not lumped in as “one of the girls.”

These are facts that I have used so far in my career to avoid many of the aspects of office culture that do not interest me. There will be a baby shower for a co-worker who is a member of my team. Although our team is small, the entire office will be participating in the shower, which will be held in the office during the lunch hour.

Under most circumstances, I would quietly have some food and try to enjoy myself. But unfortunately, the catering will be Thai, and I am severely allergic to peanuts, tree nuts, cilantro and seafood.

I like my co-worker, but I am not a fan of showers of any type, and Thai food is an absolute no for me. I refuse to be the person who demands that others change pre-existing meal plans to accommodate my life-threatening allergies, and I am especially not inclined to do so in this case.

Should I bring my own food to the shower? Or might I feign male ignorance, contribute to the office gift and eat out alone, as per usual?

Gentle reader: “Forced socialization” at the office is always a bad idea.

However, rather than blame your entire gender, why not feign work obligations instead? If said graciously (“I wish I could attend, but I am afraid that I have gotten behind on the Gramberry account”), it makes a much more valid point about not spending office time engaged in seemingly mandatory social activity. Just make sure that person is not working on the same account.

To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners .com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.