Shock and awe
Be honest, direct with employer about life’s unexpected mishaps
Working in the COVID-19 era means many of today’s employees are coming face-to-face with the unexpected. In addition to potentially catching the virus, many people can have their own lives cast into chaos when they suddenly learn a family member or close friend has tested positive, becomes gravely ill or succumbs to the virus.
“The global impact of COVID-19 has resulted in a surge of stress, anxiety, depression, anger, irritability, fear and so much more,” says Dr. Jodi J. De Luca, Ph.D., a licensed clinical psychologist in Coal Creek, Colorado. “The impact on human emotion and behavior has been quite dramatic.”
When people are tasked with personal issues outside of the workplace, whether it’s taking care of a loved one, going through a rough emotional patch or dealing with their own health issues, it’s often difficult to explain away absences and incomplete work. How do you tell the boss when you need more time to take care of an ailing parent? How do you deal with co-workers who want to help you with your day-to-day duties without seeming removed? How do you handle the molehill functions of your job each day when you know you have to deal with a medical mountain awaiting you at home each night? Unfortunately, there is no easy answer.
“So much of dealing with outside stress at work comes down to the type of people you work with,” says Dr. Alan Lawrence, a clinical psychologist in Los Angeles. “If you have co-workers who are warm and giving, your situation may be easier to solve. But if you feel intimidated by your co-workers or if they are strictly by-the-book employees, you will have more difficulties.”
Controlling emotions
Erin Holt, an HR consultant in Atlanta, says to be careful about transferring anger at a seemingly stubborn boss or disinterested co-workers. Instead, Holt says it’s important to pay attention to company policy. “Managers carry out orders,” says Holt. “That what makes them managers. That’s what their bosses look for — someone who can keep the train on the tracks when things are going wrong.”
William B., who does not want his last name used, says that’s nonsense. “Managers who sell their souls for company policy aren’t worth a damn,” he says.
William says he’s speaking from experience. His stepfather died earlier this year. “I learned he died on a Monday at 2:30 in the morning so I sent her an email around 8 a.m. to let her know that I’d be taking the rest of the week off,” he says. “She didn’t respond until 3 p.m. She wrote “sorry about your dad” and then posted the company bereavement policy, which allows three days for a family member.”
And then, the “punch to the gut,” according to Williams. “She wrote ‘but was this your father or stepfather? The policy does not cover stepparents,’” he says.
People vs. policy
While William’s manager could have worded her reply better — or decided not to toe the company line — if she was following policy, she was just doing her job. Maybe.
“I can practically guarantee that’s not what the policy states because that would be ludicrous,” says Ronald Evans, a retired workman’s compensation attorney now living in Tempe, Arizona. “You don’t get inside a family when making policy. A stepfather is the absolute father to many of us, including me. My mom re-married when I was 10 and my stepfather is as much a father to me as my real dad. I’m thinking she got it wrong or she just made it up on the fly because she was being stingy with his time off.”
William says he thought she was lying but didn’t even pursue it. “I just told her I’d take a week of vacation and before she said something about me not accruing five days yet that year, I just hung up,” he says. Williams says he quit his job within one month of returning to work.
But there are numerous cases when a direct manager has to enforce unpopular company policy. “The best thing to do is work within the rules,” Holt says. “That’s the easiest way to keep things from getting personal. Of course, if you need an occasional exception, I think most managers are willing to oblige. It’s just when exceptions are expected every time.”
Holt also says a person’s immediate supervisor may feel uncomfortable toeing the company line but they do so in order to protect their own job. “It’s not personal,” she says. “Even when they’re trying to help others, most workplace associates will only do so as long as it doesn’t affect their own standing with the company.”
According to Lawrence, separating the two also helps the employee channel his or her emotions in the proper direction. “Helping someone overcome an illness or dealing with your own physical or mental issues are enough work,” he says. “No need to burden yourself with anger, especially when you are vulnerable in other areas.”
‘One of many’
Dr. Kenneth Farr, Ph.D., says people should try to work past feelings of shame or guilt so they can get the assistance they need. “I would encourage people to try not to hold on to their old stigmas, to realize that struggling with an adjustment is a normal thing, it’s something that everybody deals with whenever they go through a significant change,” says Farr, a clinical psychologist in Dayton, Ohio. “There are times in our lives when we have to reach out for help, whether it’s a caring family member, a clergy member or a mental health professional.”
It’s important for people currently struggling with their feelings to remember that countless others are experiencing the same uncertainty, anxiety and sadness. “The tendency to believe you’re the only one who has to seek mental health care can sometimes stop you from trying to get the help you need,” Farr says. “In reality, there are a lot of people who are experiencing these same feelings. If you seek help, know that you’ll be one of many.”