WithWarner Bros. news, it’s time to make our homes more like theaters
With the coronavirus likely to keep people away frommovie theaterswell into the new year, Warner Bros. Pictures has decided to stream all its 2021movies onHBOMax.
That means one thing: I finally have an excuse to buy a 3-quart, theater-quality fakebutter dispenser.
It stands to reason that if Warner Bros. is bringing the movies home for us, we need to do more than just sit on our sofas andwatch. We owe it toHollywood studios to findways to replicate the entiremoviegoing experience, at least until it’s safe to return to theaters.
Calling it a “unique one-year plan,” Warner Bros. officials said new films will premiere in theaters and onHBOMax at the same time. After amonth, the streaming will stop and the movies will only play in theaters.
Ann Sarnoff, chief executive ofWarnerMedia Studio, said in a statement: “No onewants films back on the big screen more than we do. We knownew content is the lifeblood of theatrical exhibition, butwe have to balance this with the reality thatmost theaters in theU.S. will likely operate at reduced capacity throughout 2021.”
That means it’s up to us, the heroes, to preserve themovie theater lifestyle.
Don’tworry, I have a plan. And like all great American plans, it begins with butter.
I propose the federal government, beginning Jan. 1, issue each American family one Paragon 2027B Pro-Deluxe 3 Qt. ButterWarmer with Spout. (I know, some will say the KaTom GoldMedal 2496 CounterModel BIB Butter Dispenser with 35 lb. Bag In A Box Capacity is a superior butter machine, but costwise, the Paragon is a safer bet for a government program.)
Amachine that dispenses a warm liquid that tastes like butter and alsoworks to lubricate a cruise ship’s propeller shafts is a good first step. That will guarantee our home popcorn meets allmovie theater standards of lethality. Butwe can’t rely on the government for everything.
The rest is up to us.
Sticky Floors: Soda, halfeaten candy and, if available, a small amount of liquid cheese must be spilled on the floor of anymovie-viewing room. It’s important not to distribute the sticky substances evenly. You want to be able to take a few steps and only notice a thin layer of stickiness before stepping on a spot that effectively cements your foot to the ground. If possible, roll a couple hot dogs across the floor. The grease will add intermittent slipperiness to the floor, creating thatwonderful “walking in amovie theater” rhythm: sticky step, sticky step, STUCK!, sticky step, SLIP!, sticky step, STUCK!
Minimum Caloric Intake: No person streaming aWarner Bros. movie at home is allowed towalk away fromthemovie without consuming at least 45,000 calories. (The government-issued butterwarmerwith spout will help with this, but supplemental Goobers or Reese’s Pieces will likely be necessary.)
That Guy: Prior to streaming a new blockbuster, each family must pick one personwho will be “That Guy.” The designated That Guy is responsible for sitting in front of you when there are plenty of other perfectly good seats available. If your family contains any tallish teenagers, they will make excellent That Guys, as they will also fulfill the next requirement.
PersonUsing a Phone the WholeDarn Time: Key to the simulatedmovie theater experience is at least one personwho is on his or her phone throughout themovie, either texting with the phone’s brightness too high or having a whispered conversation with someone. Again, teens are a great choice for this role as that’s what they’ll be doing anyway.
Loud Commentary Deliverer: Aside fromthe butterlike substance, this is arguably the most important element of the homebound theatrical experience. And thanks to Zoom and other video conferencing platforms, it’s easy to achieve. You want to set up a laptop or tablet and put it on a chair facing the television. Then have a random person join you via Zoom to watch themovie. That person’s job is to regularly and loudly interject with comments like: “OhmyGod, why is he doing that?!?”; “IwouldNOT go in there!”; “This part coming up is SOFUNNY, you’ll love it!”; and “WAIT, WHAT JUST HAPPENED??”
No Pausing: Finally, to cap off the event, there has to be a strict rule that once amovie begins streaming, it can’t be paused. If you have to pee, you can’t go unless youwant to miss part of themovie. Youwon’twant to miss part of themovie, so you’ll hold it until you’re about to begin streaming, at which point you’ll run across the sticky floor only to find the bathroomis occupied by That Guy.
I knowthis plan sounds onerous, but it’s importantwe follow all the steps. They’ll prepare us for that fine day whenwe, and That Guy, can safely return to movie theaters andmore comfortably risk bladder infections while consuming propeller-shaft grease with our feet stuck to the floor.
(If you hated this column, and you certainly should have, why not join the third annual Insult-AColumnistHoliday Food Drive and make a donation to the Greater Chicago Food Depository under the RexStinks team name? Or, if you liked the column, you can hop on Team RexRocks. Either way, you help feed people struggling to make ends meet. Just go to: https://www.myfood drive.org/#InsultRex.)