Loathing Brady, and a nacho fountain. That’s a party!
Super Bowl weekend is here, and before I get into some slamdunk (that’s a football term, right?) advice on having a great COVID-19-safe Super Sunday, let me clear up a few housekeeping items.
Due to the arctic front hitting Chicago, my annual All-Nude Backyard Bowl Bash has been canceled. While no one other than myself has ever attended, I figured I’d spread the word. On the plus side, the police won’t have to worry about calls from the neighbors this year.
Also, if you’re planning on having an indoor Super Bowl gathering that includes anyone outside your immediate family, please don’t do that. In case you haven’t noticed, we remain in the thick of a global pandemic, and watching Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Tom Brady play in his 4,325th Super Bowl is simply not worth you or anyone else getting sick.
In fact, if you engage in reckless activity on Super Bowl Sunday, you’re as big an entitled twerp as Brady, a man who has become the one exception to the saying, “Everybody loves a winner.” (If you don’t believe me, just ask the Green Bay Packers players who Brady sent home to host their own All-Nude Backyard Bowl Bashes.)
With that cleared up, let’s move on to the fun. Just because we can’t have normal Super Bowl parties — in which a large number of people crowd into a living room to talk so loud no one can actually enjoy the game — the day can still be great.
Here are just a few ways you can liven things up as you watch the Bucs take on not-Tom-Brady and the Kansas City Chiefs:
1) Finally unveil the perfect “nacho fountain.”
If you’re like me, you’ve probably spent a large part of your adult life trying to figure out how to properly liquefy nachos.
This generally involves: making nachos; putting nachos in a blender; blending nachos into a warm slurry; and then pouring the nacho slurry into the reservoir of a chocolate fountain. Any sane person would expect that to work perfectly, yet every year, problems arise. Either stray chip chunks jam the fountain pump or the ground beef doesn’t fully liquefy, leaving unsightly lumps that block the flow down the sides of the fountain.
We’ve all been there, right? Well this year, since we’ve been stuck inside for nearly 12 months, there was time to get the kinks worked out. (Turns out all it took was a high-speed centrifuge and a $4,000 viscometer!) 2) Experiment with tofu! Hah! Just kidding. You definitely don’t want to do that. That’s something Tom Brady would do, and that guy is THE WORST!
No, an at-home Super Bowl celebration in the age of coronavirus — or in any age, for that matter — should involve meat maximization. You should test the boundaries of your imagination by wrapping meats in other meats until you’ve reached perfect meatquilibrium.
You should eat so much meat that paratroopers from PETA land in your front yard.
3) Pretend you like The Weeknd.
This Super Bowl’s halftime show features The Weeknd, a band or person who does, I assume, music that is good. Because I’m old enough to know the word “viscometer,” I’m unfamiliar with this artist or artists, but that won’t stop me from pretending to be cool.
If you’re in a similar position, you can impress your children by simply moving your head to the beat and shouting, “So great to see The Weeknd band and/or person perform! I love all of The Weeknd’s sngs so mch! I hope he/they play a cover of my favorite Lynyrd Skynyrd song, ‘Fr Brd’!!”
4) Maybe skip the game and spend time with your family.
Again, I’m kidding, of course. That would be dreadful.
5) Place a friendly wager.
It’s always good to teach your kids the importance of gambling, so consider laying down some fun Super Bowl bets before the game.
Here are a few obvious ones: Who will win? What will be the score at halftime? How many times will Dad look at Tom Brady and feel a surge of stomach acid while imagining the face of every cocky jock who ever sneered at him in high school? In what quarter will the nacho fountain explode? How many pillows will we need to fight off the PETA paratroopers when they break through the living room windows? Wht sng wil The Weeknd ply frst?And, last but not least: How many more weeks will we have to remain cooped up in this house finding ways to make things seem fun?
Anyone who guesses that last one right gets a free invite to next year’s All-Nude Backyard Bowl Bash.