Area Neanderthal not happy Biden compared him to GOP governors
After Republican governors in Texas and Mississippi announced they were lifting all COVID-19 restrictions, President Joe Biden criticized the decisions as reckless and said now is not the time for “Neanderthal thinking.”
That caused quite an eruption of faux outrage among Republicans, who claimed the president was comparing all conservatives to Neanderthals.
Missing from this extremely important debate, of course, was a voice from the Neanderthal community, which ceased to exist about 40,000 years ago. Or so everyone thought.
As fate would have it, and being from Chicago, I know a guy. He’s a Neanderthal, the last of his kind. And he asked that I share the following statement to help clear the air:
Hey, guys. This is Grog. And yeah, I’m a Neanderthal.
I live up in Wrigleyville. Cubs fan. (I know you Cubs fans were hoping I was a White Sox fan. Sorry to disappoint.)
Anyway, they thawed me out about 20 years ago — kind of a long story. But I’m here now, and while I don’t usually get into politics, I figured I should pipe up about this whole controversy over President Joe Biden and his use of the phrase “Neanderthal thinking.”
I gotta be honest with you, it’s pretty offensive. I mean, have you read what those two governors are doing?
You Homo sapiens have been dealing with a pandemic for nearly a year, you finally have a vaccine and you know the basic steps to follow to keep people safe. Wear masks. Stay away from crowds. Blah, blah, blah.
There’s a light at the end of this really long tunnel, and these mopes in Texas and Mississippi decide that now — RIGHT NOW, when humanity is THIS CLOSE to getting things under control — is the time to do away with all the COVID-19 restrictions?
I don’t know what kind of thinking that is, but comparing it to Neanderthal thinking? To MY thinking? Well, that’s just a real slap in the pronounced facial front that characterized my species.
Let me tell you something, we Neanderthals had a good run. Granted, I was frozen for quite a bit of it, but the Smithsonian Institution says we hung around this planet for a good 300,000 or more years, and that was back when things were tough. Not all cushy like today.
If you modern-day Homo sapiens think you’re going to have that kind of longevity, I strongly suggest you stop insulting my thinking and start focusing on the questionable brain functioning of people like Texas Gov. Greg Abbott and Mississippi Gov. Tate Reeves.
(By the way, if you’re surprised I communicate this well, I have to ask: What were you expecting? Something like this: ME GROG! ME MAD BIDEN SAY MEAN THING! Zog, you humans are rude.)
Anyhoo, I’m going to have to politely ask President Biden to apologize to me, as the last remaining representative of my species. Does he really think we would be so dumb as to tell people to toss their face masks and head back to crowded bars and restaurants before everyone has gotten a vaccine?
C’mon, man, we survived the freakin’ ice age! We made decent tools and hunting weapons. We even pulled off some solid cave paintings, and it wasn’t like we could run down the street to the craft supply store!!
Sorry, I guess this comparison of Biden’s just stirred up some emotions. I mean, we did everything we could to fight off extinction, and it seems a lot of these Republican politicians have spent the past year trying to speed your extinction up.
Did you hear what happened in Arizona? The Republican-led Arizona House passed a bill Wednesday that says businesses don’t have to enforce any state, city or county rules on mask wearing.
And the sponsor of that bill, Rep. Joseph Chaplik, made the argument that masks aren’t necessary because nobody wore masks during the AIDS epidemic in the 1980s. THE MASKS GO OVER YOUR MOUTH, CHAPLIK, WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!
I better not hear Biden saying that guy is guilty of Neanderthal thinking. That is, at best, some Homo erectus thinking, and I’d even steer clear of that, since my H. erectus brothers and sisters lasted more than a million years.
Chaplik wouldn’t have made it five minutes back in the Pleistocene Epoch.
Look, I have some complex stone tools to work on and I don’t want to belabor this, but I ask that Biden and other political leaders not make a habit of comparing my intelligence to that of people like Abbott and Reeves and the Arizona guy who seems to think condoms and coronavirus masks are the same thing.
I’ll leave you with this thought from Rick Potts, head of the Smithsonian’s Human Origins Program. He said this back in 2003:
“There have been a great many experiments at being human preceding us and none of them made it, so we should not think poorly of Neanderthal just because they went extinct. Given that Neanderthal possessed the very traits that we think guarantee our success should make us pause about our place here on earth.” Do better, guys.
All best, — Grog