It could be time to back off from longtime friendship

Dear Miss Manners: I have been friends with Elizabeth for almost 20 years. We met because we were both active in an activity our children were in. When we were on equal footing — both married, working, etc. — things were fine.

Five years ago, my marriage fell apart in a spectacular way that became the talk of the county. Elizabeth was so supportive during this time. About two years later, Elizabeth began an affair and eventually left her husband.

I supported her when a lot of people didn’t. Cheating was a big part of my marriage ending, so I told her it wasn’t something I would do, but we can be different people as well as friends. She has had subsequent problems, during which I have again tried to be a good friend.

Here’s the problem: While she feels like her life is spinning out of control, mine is going great. And it seems like the better I do, the nastier she becomes. I try not to bring up anything positive about my life with her, because then she says things that make me uncomfortable.

It’s getting to the point where I don’t know if I want to be close friends with this version of Elizabeth, which is difficult because we’re both still active in the same activity where we first met.

Do I need to find the understanding from somewhere to continue to try and be supportive, or is it really time to distance myself from my best friend? If it is time, how do I go about doing it without causing any more disappointment or pain in her life?

Gentle reader: There is a tendency to take offense where none is meant, perhaps to claim sympathy as a victim. Miss Manners is not accusing you of this. She merely notes how surprising it is that people like you accept the premise that your good fortune is a rebuke to her reverses.

It is not, which is why Miss Manners is not charmed by people who admit being jealous of a friend’s happy news. As decent human beings, we are supposed to be pleased by one another’s successes. That baser feelings exist is not a reason to indulge them — or to reward bad behavior.

There is a world of difference between bragging about something to the point of hurting someone’s feelings, and simply being happy to share one’s good fortune. The former is, indeed, worthy of censure; the latter is supposed to leave you time to show empathy for the less fortunate.

The proper responses to unpleasant remarks by Elizabeth are silence and a change of subject. If this does not discourage the behavior, then it may indeed be time to back off the friendship, while remaining on polite professional terms. This can be accomplished by the same pauses applied on a larger scale — namely, calls less frequently returned, and finding that you have less time to spend with her.

Dear Miss Manners: My husband and I recently started taking a few remote classes to learn Italian. These are private lessons with an instructor, happening in the morning for about 1.5 hours at a time.

My husband will eat his breakfast during the class if he didn’t have a chance before, during the segment where the instructor is talking. He will also get up to grab things he forgot, adjust the heat, get a sweatshirt, open the window, etc.

I feel that these things are rude, while he feels that they are not, because our relationship with our tutor is semi-casual. I should mention that the tutor does not do any of these things.

In the absence of live interactions, we must do our best as a society to approximate them. After all, how do we then justify drinking by ourselves and calling it “happy hour” just because the computer happens to be on?

If you would not eat breakfast or get up during a live lesson (or business meeting or divorce mediation), then the same rules should apply here. Coffee breaks, however, may be used for more than just coffee — if your husband promises to eat off-camera and adjust the room temperature quickly.

Gentle reader:

Dear Miss Manners: How do you politely correct someone who constantly scrapes their bowl or plate with a fork/spoon?

Gentle reader: By holding your ears, politely saying “Ooh, ouch,” and then apologizing for having done so.

To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners.com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.