Texas abortion law overlooks greatest threat: Witches who try to control other people’s bodies
While many are focused on the new abortion law in Texas, which includes a $10,000 incentive for citizens to sue anyone they suspect is “aiding and abetting” an abortion, a significant American problem is being overlooked: witches.
That’s why I come before you today to present the Federal Witchcraft Prevention Act, a piece of legislation that will encourage Americans to police their friends, neighbors and political representatives and, with the promise of a handsome reward, report any actions that might be deemed supernatural.
I’ll get to the details of the act in a moment, but first, let’s examine the toil and trouble in Texas.
The state’s new law bans most abortions after about six weeks of pregnancy, with no exceptions for rape, incest or sexual abuse. It also puts in place a citizen-enforcement mechanism, encouraging Texans to file a lawsuit against anyone they suspect of being involved in any way with an abortion. If such a lawsuit is successful, the person who filed it gets $10,000.
On Wednesday, in a 5-4 ruling, the U.S. Supreme Court refused to block the Texas law, even though it effectively violates a woman’s constitutional right to make her own decisions about her pregnancy.
On the same day Texas turned anti-abortion activists into bounty hunters, a slew of other state laws kicked in. There’s one allowing Texans to openly tote handguns without a license or any firearms training, one that restricts voting rights and one that restricts how race and history are taught in schools.
Some might look at these various laws and see a disturbing mix of misogyny, religious zealotry and racism. But I know witchcraft when I see it.
Some might say Republican lawmakers in Texas are attempting to legislatively prop up a patriarchal system that keeps power in the hands of white, Christian people, despite increasing American racial and religious diversity, while tacitly endorsing violence as an acceptable means to that
end. But I see witches casting spells over the masses while slipping through keyholes in the dead of night.
That’s where the Federal Witchcraft Prevention Act comes in.
It’s clear a certain portion of the populace has been tricked into believing things that defy logic. How else do you explain denying climate change when there are fire tornadoes in the West, flooded streets and subways in the Northeast and a hurricane-ravaged Louisiana in the South?
The only way we can root out those responsible for this witchcraft is to allow sensible, clearheaded citizens to file lawsuits against people they think are witches. And because the Supreme Court didn’t block the Texas abortion law, we now have legal precedent to proceed with citizen enforcement of anti-witch laws, awarding $10,001 for every successful lawsuit.
To get everyone ready to file a
steady stream of lawsuits against potential practitioners of the dark arts, let’s examine a few modernday signs of witchcraft or witchlike behavior:
1) Attempting to control another person’s body. This is a telltale sign of witchery. When accused, the enchanter or enchantress will likely attempt to label you a hypocrite for supporting vaccine mandates. Any attempt to explain the difference between a woman’s personal right to make decisions about her own reproductive health and the public health necessity of vaccines will cause you to vanish in a poof of logic, so don’t even bother.
2) Claiming guns should be permitted everywhere while simultaneously saying masks should not be mandated anywhere during a pandemic. Witches are famously unable to see their own hypocrisy.
3) Bursting into flames when they see a person of color voting. Widespread access to voting is the greatest threat to the modernday
witch. If a person shows even the slightest sign of reluctance to making voting easier, you should file a lawsuit under the Federal Witchcraft Protection Act immediately.
4) A complete lack of concern for public opinion. The witches among us are obsessed with doing things sizable majorities of Americans do not want them to do. For example, an April poll by the University of Texas and the Texas Tribune found that 55% of Texans thought abortion laws should either be less restrictive or stay the same. A poll conducted by the same organizations in May found that 59% of Texans opposed the state’s unlicensed carry law. And while Republican Texas lawmakers (likely witches) have bent over backward to prevent mask or vaccine mandates, a July survey by a multi-university group of researchers called The Covid States Project found that 65.8% of Texans favor vaccine mandates. So anyone caught fighting hard
against public opinion is likely a witch and should be sued.
The Texas abortion law shields anyone who files a lawsuit against a fellow citizen from potential legal costs should they lose in court. The Federal Witchcraft Protection Act will, of course, do the same. We can’t take any chance when it comes to witches, even if it means clogging the court system with frivolous lawsuits driven by people who fancy themselves crusaders.
I hope you’ll join me in advocating for this new and important legislation. We can’t let our American way of life be fundamentally changed by witches.
As Shakespeare wrote in “Hamlet”:
“’Tis now the very witching time of night
When churchyards yawn and hell itself breathes out Contagion to this world.”
Go sue ’em, folks.