Living conditions of parents is the more serious problem

Dear Miss Manners: I spent a few weeks at my parents’ house and while I adore them, I don’t think I can stay with them for future visits. The guest bed is over 20 years old and kills my back, the towels are so musty you feel dirty if you use them after a shower, and they had a cockroach infestation in the kitchen!

I bought a new towel, and my mom saw it and was deeply offended. I snuck a foam topper onto the bed after attempting to just deal with the mattress for a few nights, but I was still in serious pain. We managed to prepare food and eat without anything sitting out for bugs to get into, but I was incredibly stressed out every time I was in the kitchen.

I would like to stay at a hotel next time because I think being well-rested and not stressed out about hygiene will help the visit be more enjoyable. But my mom is a proud woman, and I am afraid it will lead to a rift in our relationship. How would you navigate this situation?

Do you really consider this merely an accommodation problem? Miss Manners is sorry that you feel stressed, but what about your adored parents, who seem to be living in unsanitary conditions? Would you be content to let that go on if you were able to enjoy the comforts of a hotel?

However, you are right that you have an etiquette problem — a major one: Your mother takes help as an insult. You can try disguising cleaning up as a

Gentle reader:

present, whether you hire someone or do it yourself, and override protests by declaring your desire to do things for your parents.

Miss Manners knows that will not go over well. But an immediate cleanup is only the beginning. Perhaps there are other relatives who can help, and you could investigate available social services. Presuming they did not live like this when you were growing up, you have a much more serious problem than your comfort.

Dear Miss Manners: My husband’s daughter just told her children that I am not their grandma, even though I have been with my husband since before they were born. They were calling me Grandma Toby and then, just last year, his daughter told her kids not to call me that anymore.

My feelings are hurt, and I wonder how I can move on from this. My husband already mentioned to her that my feelings are hurt, but she does not care. I have been married to her father for 12 years now, and she still treats me like a piece of furniture.

Gentle reader: As it has been 12 years and things are only getting worse, Miss Manners suggests you try a different approach. You are not likely to win over the daughter, but you might do better with the children — provided you do not make it a loyalty test, or even let them see that you have a conflict with their mother.

“Let’s have a contest,” you can declare, out of her hearing. “What should you call me? Nonna? Oma? Grammy? Or just Toby? You decide.”

And then declare a winner, and however many runners-up there are children. That way, if their mother vetoes one name, they can try another.

Dear Miss Manners:

When someone enters an unlocked, single-stall restroom, only to discover too late that someone is using that facility, what is the proper response? The few times I have accidentally disturbed someone, I leave as quickly as possible without saying anything and while avoiding eye contact. I do not apologize on my way out, as I believe it’s the job of the bathroom user to ensure the door is locked behind them. Regardless, do I owe them an apology on my way out for the embarrassment they likely incurred?

Gentle reader: Avoiding eye contact and making a quick exit are the chief requirements in this awkward situation, so Miss Manners was about to commend you.

But why do you grudge tossing off a quick apology? That person was discomforted by your entrance. Yes, it would have been prudent to lock the door. But it would have been prudent of you to knock.

Dear Miss Manners: Should a child starring in a local play receive a gift?

Gentle reader: A bouquet presented at the curtain call, in front of the other actors whose parents didn’t think of doing so?

Probably not. And not, Miss Manners would think, if the child’s parents are hoping that limelight will not outshine their hope of the child’s going to law school.