Ex expects to split the bill after spending money on daughter

Dear Miss Manners: I have been divorced for 14 years and maintain an excellent relationship with my ex-wife. I have spent Thanksgiving at her home more than once, and she occasionally attends Christmas dinner at my home.

We have a daughter in her late 20s who is expecting her first child. She has given me a heads-up that her mother is going to ask me to pitch in for the baby shower that she is hosting next month. We are both quite successful, and she does not need the help.

This has been a pattern since our divorce: She decides to spend money on our daughter, tells her about the plans, and then asks me to split the cost. I fear looking like the bad guy if I say no, but I am a little tired of my ex continuing to dictate how I spend money.

Gentle reader: The word you are looking for is “no” — or, as Miss Manners has never understood why people expect satisfaction from being rude to an ex, “Thank you, but I have my own plans about what to do. Can you believe we are going to be grandparents?!” (The second half is to be delivered in your best “Look, a squirrel!” voice.)

Your daughter likely understands more than you think about the situation, including that, when you tell her that everyone is happier when there are clear boundaries in your relationship with your ex, you are not really including your ex among the “everyone.”

Dear Miss Manners: I had a mastectomy and subsequent breast reconstruction. The reconstruction had to be redone, for both medical and aesthetic reasons.

I have been open about my breast cancer. Before the second reconstruction, two close friends independently asked me why I didn’t just “go flat.” Neither of them has experienced breast cancer.

I don’t think they were trying to be hurtful, but that is the effect — as if there is something wrong with getting reconstruction. Perhaps they view it as excessive vanity.

Theirs was a question that I never would have asked of a woman, even before I had my mastectomy. I felt I had to respond, and said something about not wanting to feel lopsided. These women are both good friends and I treasure their friendship.

I generally shy away from confrontations. But I really wished that I had come back with a polite but clear response that 1. The question was inappropriate, and 2. Women who decide to get themselves back together as best they can should be supported in their decision. What do you suggest would have been an appropriate response?

Gentle reader: “Can we talk about something other than my bosom?”

Dear Miss Manners: How should we interact with owners who won’t restrain their dogs? I live in an apartment building with a tiny elevator, and sometimes tenants get on with their dogs. These dogs will start to lick my feet or nip at my skirt. The dogs could easily be restrained by their owners, but the owners choose to let their pets continue to lick me to their hearts’ content.

I’ve tried cold stares. I’ve tried backing as far into the elevator as I can go. The owners just smile and say, “Oh, this is Fluffy,” as though I wish to personally be introduced to their dogs. Or they look offended that I’m not showering their dog with attention and compliments.

I’ve said, “Excuse me, but I’m allergic to dogs” (I’m not), to which they respond, “But he’s hypoallergenic!” I’ve resorted to taking the stairs as much as I can, but this isn’t always possible. I should also probably mention that I’m not a huge fan of dogs.

How do I take the elevator in peace without having to deal with daily unwelcome encounters with dogs? Please note that I am not talking about dogs trained to physically assist their owners. The beasts that I “meet” are usually, like their owners, badly behaved.

Gentle reader: Dispense with the stares and the explanations. Dispense, also, with yourself: If an elevator car arrives with a dog already on board, wait for the next one; if a dog boards a car you are riding, push the next button and get off. This should get you at least partway to your destination.

If you need additional time to escape, Miss Manners will make you a deal. If, when a dog boards, you smile at the owner, she will not tell if, in your haste to get off, you inadvertently push two buttons.