‘It feels as though I am living in two worlds simultaneously’

Zhou Li (not her real name) has schizophrenia. She lives in Beijing.

Ihave had auditory hallucinations ever since I can remember. There is always a voice in my head, and whatever I think, the voice says it. The voice is not very loud but it is very clear, and most of the times it is female.

The illness struck me seriously for the first time in 1993, when I was 18.

I had graduated from senior middle school, but I failed the college entrance exam so I stayed at home for a year. The auditory hallucinations became very distinct, saying things such as everyone around me was a spy.

I was always scared and irritated. I could not sleep.

Later, I enrolled at a private college, but I was struck again in 2000, the year I graduated. I had headaches so severe that I felt my head would explode.

I had a computerized tomography scan at a hospital in Beijing. The doctors told me there was nothing wrong, and so did the voice in my head. After the checkup, the headaches stopped.

In the years that followed, I was struck by the illness periodically. By 2006, it was so serious that I could not read newspapers or watch TV. I only felt better when I sat on a bus, circling the city again and again. However, once I got off the bus the indescribable feeling of irritation returned.

I have been on medication since 1993, and my condition has improved since 2011, but the voice in my head still speaks all the time.

I usually have anxiety attacks once or twice a day. The doctor has advised me to take deep breaths in such cases, and to take pills if things don’t improve.

After all these years, I think I am finding ways to cope with my condition, and now I think I am basically free in my mind.

Now, the voice agrees with my thoughts in most cases. I still have frequent auditory hallucinations and nightmares, so I never sleep well, but I am used to it and am able to cope.

A few days ago, I went to Fujian province on a tour that cost more than 2,000 yuan ($302).

The doctors have told me the condition is incurable, but it can be controlled. My father, a senior engineer, used to have serious anxiety attacks, but his doctor now says he is cured. However, he has to take medication or he feels unwell again.

I think I am most happy when I am with other people with mental illness at twiceweekly meetings arranged by our doctors.

We can communicate with each other and do stuff, such as making photo albums or bags together. Once a week we watch a movie and that makes me feel much better.

Although my condition is better than before, I still face economic difficulties. Because I have a mental illness, my medication is free, thanks to the health policies in Beijing.

I receive a monthly government subsidy of about 1,000 yuan. I don’t work, but my older brother, a company manager, gives me 1,000 yuan a month.

However, my monthly social security insurance payment is more than 1,000 yuan, and after paying for basic necessities I do not have any extra cash to spend.

I am not married because of my condition, and I am getting old.

I hope the government will build nursing homes for seniors with mental illnesses so we can have a place to stay when we are old. At present, nursing homes will not accept people with mental illnesses.

I hope I can recover completely and find work as a cleaner or grocery packer.

It feels as though I am living in two worlds simultaneously; one is the world of hallucinations and the other is the “real” world — at least that’s what other people call it. I am not sure which is real, and sometimes I am also suspicious of what the voice in my head tells me. Zhou Li spoke with Wang Xiaodong.