China Daily Global Edition (USA)
Young women learning to love themselves
Many feel freer to pursue their dreams, adopt new hobbies and enjoy better-balanced lives.
Dong Dong, a 25-year-old from Guangdong province, said that for more than 20 years she felt she did not deserve to be loved. The problem started early in life: when she was 5, she overheard her mother predicting that her younger brother would grow up to be more talented; she was sexually abused by a relative at age 12, but when she told her mother, no action was taken; and when she was 16, she confessed her crush to a boy she liked but was rejected.
After discussions with friends and consultations with therapists, Dong came to realize that she had spent a long time focused on gaining recognition from others, but she had never reflected on what kind of person she wanted to be.
In response, last year, she drew up a list of all the things she wanted to try for the first time and chose two or three each month.
As a result, she learned to play mahjong, got a tattoo, practiced yoga, painted and took a photo of herself in a wedding dress on her birthday in February. The experiences made her feel alive.
Dong is representative of a growing number of women in China who are starting to embrace the idea of self-love and self-appreciation.
Supported by the country’s stable and harmonious socioeconomic environment, they are able to pursue their dreams freely, adopt more hobbies and spend more time reflecting on their feelings and desires.
Dong acknowledged that she used to push herself too hard. Her unhappy childhood resulted in low self-esteem, and when she entered the job market and was given projects, she always felt that her colleagues were performing better than she was. These unfounded comparisons and the pressure of work caused mental health issues.
“At the time, I collapsed to the point where I was unable to sleep night after night, or I just kept crying,” she said. “I often thought: ‘I am not good-looking or smart or good at anything. That’s why I am not loved’. I have always tried to gain recognition and love from people by striving to become a ‘better’ me, so I have always been too harsh on myself.”
In late 2019, with the help of her therapist, Dong drew up her bucket list of new things to explore.
“I had always wanted to paint, but I felt ashamed if I painted badly. However, when I actually allowed myself to paint the way I wanted, the feeling was amazing, even though the picture was ugly,” she said.
I often thought: ‘I am not good-looking or smart or good at anything. That’s why I am not loved’. I have always tried to gain recognition and love from people by striving to become a ‘better’ me, so I have always been too harsh on myself.”
Dong Dong, 25-year-old from Guangdong province
New beginnings
Like Dong, other women have also struggled to learn to love themselves after being in unhappy situations.
Yang Xili, 22, also from Guangdong, has two younger brothers, and her parents have always shown the traditional preference for boys over girls. She recalled that when they were children, her parents always blamed her if her siblings caused trouble or made mistakes.
In high school, she dreamed of studying clothing design at college, but the family was unable to afford the expensive tuition fees.
“My parents felt that the tens of thousands of yuan for each year’s tuition shouldn’t be spent on a girl like me. At that time, I even hated myself a little bit for being a girl,” she said.
She became depressed during her senior year. She developed expressive language disorder, so her mind often went blank whenever she was questioned.
As a result, she didn’t take the gaokao, the national college entry exam. Instead, she left her hometown, Shunde, and moved to Guangzhou, the provincial capital.
Over the past few years, Yang has engaged in a range of activities. She spent three months in a clothing factory and, after learning every step on an assembly line, she designed her first set of clothes and won praise from the other workers for being “so gifted”.
“I didn’t quite understand why they gave me such a compliment, because I just did something I had always wanted to do,” she said.
To experience couch surfing, she took a backpack and roamed the country for six months. She also filmed events at a music venue, worked in an internet bar and did sales for an e-commerce company.
“Although I didn’t continue my education, my life isn’t missing anything, and I have had lots of fun,” she said.
Becoming self-sufficient
Xiao Xigua (not her real name) is an orphan.
The 25-year-old said she didn’t gain much love or attention from her adoptive parents, who said they only took her in because they believed that doing a good deed could lead to a more fortunate future.
When Xiao turned 18, her adoptive mother tried to talk her out of taking the gaokao. She refused and took a job in a fast-food restaurant so she could pay her own tuition fees.
“I realized that I could do whatever I wanted to do, entirely on my own,” she said.
After graduation, she severed all ties with her adoptive family. “The first thing I did was to buy every type of insurance. If I ever get sick, I will still be able to take care of myself, even without a family,” she said.
At university, she grew fond of outdoor activities, so now she always carries antiseptic, cotton swabs, painkillers and glucose in her bag in case of accidents.
“I haven’t been able to embrace all that I am. I occasionally blame myself for being lazy and sloppy, and I still feel that growing up in a family that lacked love was not good for my self-esteem. However, I am learning to love myself through things like reminding myself to eat on time every day,” she said.
“Wedding” vows
In May, these young women took part in a “self-wedding” in Guangzhou in which they donned veils and got “married” to themselves. They vowed to always love themselves and treat themselves well.
Xiao Yuhong, the event initiator who works for Guangzhou Yangsan Culture Communications, a company that is well-known for running social media accounts under the name WhatYouNeed, said the aim of organizing the event was to encourage women to recognize their own worth and love themselves.