Chinese American families bridge gap in culture

SAN DIEGO — During the weekend, representatives from Chinese-language schools across the United States met in San Diego and shared ways to help Chinese American students bridge the cultural divide in their families.

A growing number of firstgeneration Chinese Americans have been looking for better ways to communicate with their children, while at the same time, their children are struggling with some thorny social challenges, such as anti-Asian sentiment, identity issues, anxiety and depression.

“I had PTSD, anxiety, and depression. A lot of Chinese American kids do. I couldn’t talk to my parents about it at all,” says Amanda Chen, a 20-yearold student at an Ivy League university who was invited to speak at the meeting to share her story.

As a first-generation Chinese American, Chuanqi Chen, Amanda’s father, used to think “the second generation (people) have it easy, or are lazy, or don’t appreciate what their parents have struggled to give them”.

“But my daughter taught me that is not the case,” says the father.

“It’s not that we are unappreciative. It’s that our challenges are very different,” the daughter explains.

“First-generation Chinese Americans were raised very differently. Our parents were very strict. You were taught not to express your own opinion, just obey your parents,” her father says.

“They didn’t show emotion or say, ‘I love you’ or hug their children. That was not the Chinese way. They expressed their love by pushing us to excel and succeed,” he says.

Amanda recalls that her grandfather was unbelievably strict. “He never said one word of praise. It made me hate him, and my father, too.”

“Sadly, he would tell me how proud he was of her, but never told her. I didn’t tell her either. So she grew up thinking we wouldn’t love her if she didn’t excel. It tore our family apart,” says her father.

This made Amanda, who considered herself as neither “Chinese enough” nor “American enough”, feel very depressed, and finally, she thought about ending her life.

At that moment, the father opened his heart to his daughter and told her how he really felt. Open communication has changed everything.

“He didn’t try to save face,” Amanda says. “He put that aside and was open and honest. It brought us back together again.”

“We have good intentions and want to guide our kids on a safe path to success. But they grew up in America. Things are different here. They learn from their peers and want to choose their own path. We must trust them, let them go, and they will come back to us,” says her father.

Eager to help others like her, Amanda spoke at the meeting about taking a different approach — creative writing.

“Creative writing changed my life. It allowed me to express myself for the first time,” Amanda says, who has been trying to help other students find their own voices.

“They feel heard for the first time. And I’m like an underqualified family therapist,” she says. “Parents are asking me how to get through to their kids.”

Writing has also changed her attitude toward her Chinese identity. Now she is really grateful for the Chinese part of her because “it is my greatest strength and it makes me more successful”.