The Decision That Changed Her Life
THE HELLO, DOLLY! ACTRESS REVEALS HOW SHE SAVED HER 32-YEAR MARRIAGE
As Bette Midler heard her name announced for winning the Tony Award for best actress in a musical on June 11, the Hello, Dolly! star turned to her husband, Martin von Haselberg, who gave her a warm kiss on the cheek. But during her acceptance speech, she kept her thanks strictly for her colleagues, never mentioning Martin. “Oh, he understood,” a friend of the actress tells Closer. “Martin is confident about what he means to Bette, and she doesn’t have to shout that from the rooftops.”
There was a time, however, when the couple’s relationship wasn’t so secure. “We used to fight bitterly,” Bette has admitted. They have overcome a lot in their 32year marriage. Early on, Martin, 68, a performance artist and commodities trader, and Bette, 71, struggled to find common ground. “Martin saw their relationship as a partnership,” the friend says, “but Bette just can’t help believing she’s in charge.” Their fights “got horrible” when Bette would leave to go on the road “without their disagreement being resolved,” the friend adds. “It took a toll on their marriage.” But then they made a joint decision that changed everything. “We came to the conclusion that we wanted to raise a child,” Bette has said. “We never wanted to hurt that kid in any way, and we stayed together until it got better, and it did.”
“Listening
is very hard. And compromise is the hardest
of all.” — Bette, on the secret to having
a successful marriage
THE TURNING POINT
Bette and Martin married in Las Vegas in December 1984. Bette was 39 and “all the passion was there between them from the get-go,” the friend says. Still, misunderstandings arose as the Divine Miss M, already famous and Oscar-nominated for The Rose, saw her movie career skyrocket. “Bette believed Martin wasn’t trying to understand the pressures she faced in her career,” the friend explains. “That used to lead to fights.”
But in 1986, their daughter Sophie was born and the couple decided to stop arguing and focus on family. “There was a conscious effort to create exactly the life we have,” Martin’s said. Bette has said, “We wanted to raise a really wonderful child.” And she has raved about Martin as a dad: “My husband is probably the greatest father who ever lived! He picked up the slack when I was on the road. He taught her a foreign language. He taught her to cook!”
With Sophie, 30, now grown, the couple enjoy precious, and peaceful, alone time when Bette’s not onstage. They practice tai chi, and both are involved in Bette’s New York Restoration Project. They also like to curl up and watch movies at home. And both of them are relieved they didn’t throw away their marriage all those years ago. “We look back and wipe our brows and say, ‘What the hell was that?’” said Bette, who knows how lucky she is. “[Martin’s] quite a magical person. He really is the wind beneath my wings.”