Our 40-Year LOVE STORY
THE TWO-CAREER COUPLE SHARE THEIR THOUGHTS ON CREATING A HAPPY, HEALTHY, LONG-LASTING MARRIAGE
Independent, career-driven Marlo Thomas never expected to marry — until she met Phil Donahue. “I kissed a lot of frogs, so I wasn’t even looking,” she confides to Closer. “I went on Phil’s television show, and that is how we met. I fell in love.”
Now, nearly 40 years later, Marlo and Phil are sharing secrets of happy unions in a new book, What
Makes a Marriage Last, due to be released on May 5. “A good marriage is a comfort,” says Marlo. “I think that everything we went through was mostly good.”
Like other longtime couples, they put real effort into their relationship. “You have to want a long marriage,” explains Phil, 84. “In the beginning, we argued hot and heavy because we were in more of a power struggle,” Marlo, 82, adds. “As years went by, we settled into debating or arguing in a better, calmer way.”
Time also helped them learn to accept each other’s quirks. “He loves baseball caps and I hate his baseball caps,” admits Marlo. Meanwhile, Phil has had to “get past” Marlo’s inability to travel light. “I tried to do carry-on, but I just cannot pack any lighter!” she insists.
THAT GIRL
As a child, Marlo, the daughter of comedian Danny Thomas, saw her mother, Rose Marie, sacrifice her singing career for her family. She feared that marriage would mean the end of her dreams, too. “I thought that I would have to become another person,” Marlo says. “You chose to live an active life, or you chose to be a good wife and mother.”
In her 20s, she put her career first and became an early feminist icon on That Girl, a show she starred on and produced. After its five-season run ended, Marlo honed her skills as a dramatic actress on stage and screen. She also created the popular children’s series Free to Be You and Me.
Her life took a big turn in 1977 when she appeared on The Phil Donahue Show and lightning struck between Marlo and its 41-year-old host. “We had dinner shortly afterward, and he revealed that he’d recently gone through a divorce and doubted he’d ever marry again,” recalls Marlo. “How perfect, I thought. A man who thinks like me!”
They began dating longdistance as Marlo lived in LA and Phil filmed his Daytime Emmy–winning show in Chicago. Plus, Phil had good reason to be apprehensive about love. “Phil and his first wife, Marge Cooney, were young when they married and quickly had five kids,” explains an insider. “After 17 years, she left. His career was very public and she wanted no part of it.”
Long-distance dating allowed Phil and Marlo to devote themselves to their work even as their
love grew, although she admits that the separation was “awful.”
“I don’t think you can find somebody. I think they plop into your life,” says Marlo. “I met someone that I was obviously attracted to and liked to be with. After three years of dating, we said, ‘OK, let’s get married.’ ” They finally wed on May 21, 1980.
KEEPING IT REAL
As the years passed, Marlo and Phil’s love for each other has only grown. “Sex, of course, is important. But what really adds to a good sex life is listening to your spouse so that they feel listened to…and good about themselves,” Marlo explains. “I was always offering my husband advice and after about 10 years, he finally said to me, ‘I don’t want you to tell me what to do, I just want you to listen.’ ”
Getting to that place wasn’t easy. “It’s not just important for me to listen to the words but to listen to what somebody doesn’t say,” explains Marlo, who admits that like many women she has an easier time talking about her emotions than her husband. “It’s hard for men to express themselves — especially a guy raised in the ’40s and ’50s,” she says. “[It’s helpful to hear] what my husband doesn’t say. What’s hidden underneath.”
This willingness to listen helped them both through hard times, such as the passing of Marlo’s parents and the sudden death of Phil’s youngest son, Jim, from an aortic aneurysm in 2014. “He was a wonderful family man and it was a tragedy for them all,” explains the insider.
FREE TO BE YOU & ME
In good times and bad, Marlo and Phil have put each other first. It has become a tradition for the couple to take a trip for their anniversary. “I know some people that go on vacation and they take 10 other couples with them. We don’t do
“She’s the most wellbalanced celebrity — I mean person — I’ve
ever met.”
— Phil on Marlo
that. That’s time by ourselves,” says Marlo, who has visited Japan, Russia, China and more with Phil. “We explore wherever we’re going. We get to explore each other’s minds, feelings and laugh together. You don’t get to do that when you’re with another couple. It’s our gift to each other.”
At home, the New York–based duo love to try new restaurants on their frequent date nights. “Phil and I are big foodies,” says Marlo. They also attend the theater and seek out art exhibits together. “There are six or seven museums near where we live — that’s always fun for us,” she gushes. “It’s like a treasure hunt.”
As a couple who married in adulthood, they’ve also willingly made room in their hearts and lives for new people. Marlo has been a loving stepmother to Phil’s children, while Phil has been gracious in welcoming Marlo’s longtime friends into his life. Several times a year, they throw big parties to bring everyone they love together. “We have about 35 people for Thanksgiving every year,” says Marlo. “I just love it. We all get up and we talk about what we’re grateful for and who we remember with gratitude.”
There has never been a moment during these past 40 years when Marlo and Phil haven’t recognized how thankful they are to have found each other. “I am proud of my marriage,” says Marlo. “I married a really decent, good man.”
The performer, who once feared that marriage would diminish her, has instead found a husband who shares her joys, soothes her fears and tells her that the sky’s the limit. “A lot of people don’t have a good partner. They marry someone who puts them down or is abusive in some way or isn’t really invested in making their dreams come true,” acknowledges Marlo. “I feel that no matter what cockeyed idea I get in my head, my husband will always say, ‘You ought to do that! You will be great at that.’ I am very grateful for that blessing.”
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