My Secret to HAPPINESS
The stand-up star and King of Queens vet opens up to Closer about loss, laughter and finding love again
Since audiences came to love him during his 1998 to 2007 run on The King of Queens, Patton Oswalt has taken on over 100 acting roles and become one of the top stand-up comics in the country. But life hasn’t been all laughs for the star: In 2016, Patton’s wife of 11 years, writer Michelle McNamara, passed away tragically. Now he’s channeling his grief into helping others as a host of Laugh Aid,a star-filled online comedy special benefiting Comedy Gives Back’s COVID-19 Emergency Relief Fund. (Find out where to watch at comedygivesback.com.) “We thought it would be a break from the monotony of this daily life,” says Patton, 51, who has been spending time at home with his second wife, actress Meredith Salenger, 50, and his 10-year-old daughter, Alice, during the pandemic. His secret to staying upbeat? “Don’t expect to be happy all the time, and then you’ll be happy,” Patton tells Closer. “You’re not supposed to be happy 100 percent of the time, and if you know that, then you’ll be so happy when you are happy!”
It’s great that you’re hosting Laugh Aid. What inspired you to do it?
Because it’s donation-based, hopefully it will help out people who work in the industry, comedians who are struggling. This two- or three-month shutdown can really hurt them.
Do you have any personal connection to what’s going on now?
I don’t know anyone that has it, but friends of mine know health-care workers. Obviously I’m very, very worried for my parents. They’re much older.
It’s a tough time right now, but have you found anything funny about it?
There’s stuff you’ve always dreamed of reading or listening to — like, “Oh, if only I had the time….” Now everyone has nothing but time. It’s like Burgess Meredith at the end of that Twilight Zone episode, except his glasses aren’t broken and we just don’t know what book to open first. [Laughs]
So true! Speaking of things people love, let’s talk about The King of Queens. What was it like doing that show?
Really, really fun. I basically was paid to learn how to act, because I was not a good actor when I started on that show. But when you hang around people like Kevin James and Jerry Stiller and Leah Remini, you learn to become natural in the sitcom format, which is a very difficult form of acting to make seem real. Having them to learn from was crucial for me.
Do you keep in touch?
Yeah, I talk to Leah. I talk to Jerry whenever I can — he’s in New York now. I think Kevin lives there, too, and we talk over social media sometimes.
How has the pandemic affected you?
I had a bunch of stand-up shows scheduled up until May which had to be canceled. On
the way to do an episode of Who Wants to
Be a Millionaire, the producers called and said, “We’re shutting it down.” But I tend to take the Paul Williams view of this. He wrote this beautiful Instagram post that said, “When you go out and see the empty streets, what you’re seeing is love in action, how much we do care for each other.” There’s something beautiful about that, and I really took it to heart.
That’s wonderful. Will your shows be postponed so we can see them later?
Yes, as soon as it’s safe for everybody. I always have artists who design posters for the shows and get to keep the money. I sent each of them a check, going, “I hope this holds you over.” People like that are really going to be hit hard right now.
How are you staying healthy and safe?
I’m trying to drink a lot of water and not equate boredom with hunger, which is not easy, because that’s how I am in the best of times. [Laughs] I’m fortunate that my daughter is doing her school at home, so my wife and I have to stay on top of that. It’s a helpful way to get my day structured.
Is this a bonding time for the family?
Definitely, especially in that you really discover how many ways you connect, and also what everyone’s need for solitude is. You learn to really guard that solitude.
Your wife Michelle passed away from an undiagnosed heart condition and drugs in her system in April 2016 at age 46. What was that time like as a dad?
Very precarious. Every day, it felt like, I’ve just got to get through and be OK with making mistakes, forgiving myself.
Any advice you could share?
All you need to do is survive and not judge yourself. You’re going to feel like you can’t experience emotions anymore. Then you’ll be able to feel motivation, and one day, you’ll experience joy.
Are you honoring Michelle’s memory?
I helped finish her book about the Golden State Killer [in 2018], and there’s an HBO documentary series about her in July that I helped produce. So we’re definitely keeping the memory of her alive.
How did you move on?
Obviously I was not looking around to do anything. Meredith and I met because we have friends in common. One of them throws big dinner parties. I couldn’t go to one, and Meredith wrote me a Facebook message — we’re linked because we know a lot of the same people — saying, “‘You missed some of the best lasagna!” I wrote, “Story of my life.” We spent three months, every day, writing messages on Facebook. We never spoke, never saw each other.
How did it progress from there?
One of the many things I missed about Michelle was that thing at the end of the day, when you get to talk to someone that you love in the dark. I wasn’t in love with Meredith and she wasn’t in love with me; it was just having that person to write to. Every night I’d put Alice to bed and we would talk about everything. We finally met on May 20, 2017, got engaged in July and got married in November.
Any worry you were rushing into things?
Once you get to a certain age, you’re like, “This person’s great. I don’t need to go through all this dating nonsense.” I did that in my 20s, I don’t have the time. “Let’s hang out. Are you cool? If not, no harm, no foul. Just let me know either way. We don’t need to do this weird, flirty My Best
Friend’s Wedding bulls---.” [Laughs]
What’s Meredith like?
She’s this rare combination of comfort and excitement. Because she’s so secure, she’s able to be spontaneous and fun at the drop of a hat. All of her friends had kids, so she was constantly babysitting. They called her Auntie Mer Extraordinaire. [Laughs]
Great to hear! Looking back over your life, do you have any regrets?
Nope. I don’t have the energy for that!
[Laughs]— Reporting by Diana Cooper
“I don’t know what’s up next for me in life. That’s the fun
of it!”
— Patton