Assault victim still struggling

DEAR ABBY >> Many years ago, I was the victim of a violent assault that my then-11-year-old daughter witnessed. It traumatized both of us, but me, the worst. I completely dove off the deep end. I started drinking and smoking pot, and quit going to church. My whole personality changed. I dumped every moment with my children I could onto my husband so I could go out with my “friends” to clubs, bars, concerts or parties. I then started having affairs with many different people, including women. My husband knew about all of it, and despite the torture and pain I put him through, he stayed with me.

Years later, I have found true joy in my children and being a mom again. But one thing has become clear: I'm no longer sexually attracted to my husband. I love him very much, but the thought of being intimate with him grosses me out. It makes me so uncomfortable. It has been like this for a year. But I do love holding hands with him and cuddling with him.

I just can't bring myself to get physical with him. I've actually thought that leaving him might be necessary because he has never fully healed from what I've done, and I'm still struggling with finding other men attractive. Abby, what do I do?

DEAR PUTTING >> I am struck by the fact that nowhere in your letter did you mention receiving counseling after the assault. If you didn't, please seek a referral to a licensed mental health professional now so you can understand the connection between what you experienced in your assault and your lack of feelings for your husband.

Go online and search on “services for victims of crime” in your state. Alternatively, your physician or health insurance provider can give you a referral. Explain to your husband that the problem isn't him — it's you — and you will be getting help for it. Please don't wait.

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DEAR ABBY >> My 45-yearold son is getting married to a lovely girl. More good news: She is an heiress and in a financial bracket that I can never compete with. They are having a big wedding. I need help finding a gift that will have meaning to them. They already have a house, fancy trips and everything they need.

DEAR BAFFLED >> Consider giving them something money can't buy — something personal. If she cooks when they're not traveling or has someone to do it for them, a collection of your family's recipes — especially your son's favorites — might be appreciated.