Tragic events lead to quest for normalcy

DEAR AMY » I have recently experienced much tragedy in my life. Our family is reeling.

I had some very close family move away and have been mourning that; I very suddenly lost my uncle; my sister lost her baby at six weeks. I am walking an intense line between mourning and living my life.

I am young and tempted to just stay home and take care of my parents in their heartache, yet I am going crazy not going out and living my life, even if it’s just sitting in a coffee shop for a few hours.

Do you have any advice for elegantly walking the line between grieving and living one’s life?

— Tightropes

DEAR TIGHTROPES » Little about grieving is “elegant.” In my experience, grieving involves ugly-crying in the supermarket, rages that come out of nowhere, and always losing my keys.

No two people should be expected to grieve alike.

If you accept your role in the family as being younger and perhaps a little more resilient right now than other family members, then yes — if you also allow yourself some healing (or even simply normal) experiences, you might actually be of greater service to them.

Furthermore, I think it might be good for your sister, especially (if she is local), if you bring her a cup of coffee from the coffee shop, ask her to take a walk with you, and simply let her be however she needs to be in that moment.

Understand also that ultimately your duty is to take good care of yourself.

DEAR AMY » I’m responding to the question from “Mama’s Baby, Daddy’s Maybe,” who was wrestling with telling her adult daughter that the man who raised her wasn’t her biological father.

I am a 40-year-old man who recently found out through ancestry services that I was conceived with the help of a sperm donor. I found this a completely shocking and disorienting experience.

After a few months of soul searching, I came to love and appreciate my real dad — the man who bought me Christmas presents and taught me how to ride a bike — even more!

I am very grateful that my parents were still alive to process this with me.

I hope “Mama’s Baby” understands that the shock of this discovery will be much harder if their child finds this out when Mom is no longer around to provide any perspective or backstory.

— Ishmael

DEAR ISHMAEL » Thank you for your wise perspective.