The best birthday gift is an unwrapping of the true self
Last Saturday, as my mind did its trip around the sun from one musing to another it stopped at a mother-thought, “I’d really like to talk to Max,” one of my sons, now a grown-up. And voila, my phone sang and it was my son calling on his 33rd birthday.
I am certain he doesn’t recollect the time of his birth, but serendipitously his call matched the time at which he came whaling into the world 33 years ago. It was a true anniversary reaction for both of us which is when we are reminded of a past event on that specific day for years to come, and surprisingly it can coincide with the exact time of day.
Birthdays are a universal phenomenon. Yet universality does not beget similarity. There are colorful differences between cultures when it comes to celebrating one’s birth. The Vietnamese celebrate everyone’s birthday for that year on the Vietnamese New Year or “Tet.” The Chinese eat extra-long noodles to honor their longevity. Canadians are subjected to having their noses greased with butter for good luck, and in Spain you will receive an ear pull for every year older. But whether one is eating extra-long noodles or smelling sweet butter on their nose, birthdays are poignant markers in time often evoking a wide array of feelings for all of us and not always that of joy and excitement.
Actually, birthday depression or the birthday blues is a frequent experience. Although it is not recognized as a psychological disorder in the literature, birthday depression remains common with symptoms of sadness, lethargy, tearfulness, irritability, changes in sleep and eating patterns and perhaps preferring to isolate and not celebrate. People will often say, “I just want to avoid the whole thing.” The reasons behind one’s experience are varied. Sometimes it is grief and fear about getting older. Or it is a dissatisfaction with how much one has accomplished over the years, or unpleasant or traumatic experiences in our past that are triggered in our memory. All of this is very normal and a precious reminder of the continual dark and light in the world, perhaps that gift of presence with no wrapping to cover it.
Yet birthdays provide an opportunity for our continued healing and growth as we become curious about the likely rainbow of our birthday reactions including both joy and sorrow, excitement and dread, tears and smiles, apathy and a search for meaning. We often struggle with being the center of attention and celebrating ourselves which demands a degree of self-acceptance, selfcompassion and actually a bit of self-love — one of life’s ongoing challenges.
It is important to realize that self-love is not a selfish self-aggrandizing act on our part. Instead, it is just a recognition of our emotional world where judgment is replaced by acceptance, compassion substituting criticism. I’ve joked with my clients that our greeting could be “happy birthday,” acknowledging their time to recognize and celebrate their true self. As with death when we celebrate an individual’s life, birthdays can be a time to celebrate who we are, what we deem the good, the bad and the ugly. In truth, even with our foibles, we are still good, just human.
Our celebration needs to be individualized. When I think back over the years about how I have celebrated family, friends and myself, the cake took on an importance of grandeur. Our counter has been graced with barbie, batman and bicycle cakes, one shaped in a rainbow, another the arcs of a roller coaster, fire engines, trains and my son’s car cake at 16. The number likely edges over 200. I have to admit I still send my kids confections and cakes near and far. But what is more important is the meaning behind these creations. They were my way to acknowledge all the ingredients of aging, the young and the old. We are all continuing to grow up sometimes accompanied by the melancholy of times past coupled with excitement about the new and unfamiliar ahead. It was through creating that I layered all the flavors of time passing. No matter what form our creativity takes, it is a vehicle for expression and growth.
My cell phone ringing last Saturday was in honor of my son’s birth decades ago. And perhaps like the Vietnamese who celebrate everyone’s birthday together, we can be reminded every day is someone’s birthday. And a reminder the best birthday gift is an unwrapping of the true self to share and contribute to others.