Brother writes unsettling funeral home dispatches

DEAR AMY » I have an older brother who is currently fighting lymphoma and stage 4 liver cancer. It is too late for surgery, so they are treating him as an outpatient. The outlook is not great.

My twin brother recently was hired to work at a funeral home.

He sends emails to me and our older brother almost daily regarding his funeral home duties.

These emails are extremely detailed accounts of prepping bodies (“they don’t complain”), transporting bodies, preparing for funerals, placing the heavy casket over the grave on slings and straps, and then waiting for the family to leave so they can lower the casket down (“sometimes it seems like forever”).

Amy, I am struggling with these emails, thinking that if I were the one fighting for my life, I would not want to read or hear about this.

These details upset me, but I am more concerned about my older brother and how this affects him.

However, I don’t want to open up a kettle of worms.

My husband says to stay out of it, and not get involved.

I am not sure what to do.

Do you have any thoughts or suggestions about what I might say?

— Grieving

DEAR GRIEVING » First off, making fun of the important and sacred work of preparing a body for burial (“they don’t complain”) is extremely unprofessional and insensitive.

Every single body passing through this funeral home was a loved one, friend or family member of someone who has paid the funeral home for this important service. The deceased and their family members should be respected, both in the moment of preparing for burial, and afterward.

Your twin brother desperately requires sensitivity training.

When your husband advises you to “stay out of it,” what is he saying? These emails are addressed to you and so I’d say that you are already in it.

These notifications upset you, and so you have the right (and responsibility) to tell your brother the truth about how they affect you.

I suggest that you send him an email: “I can tell by your detailed descriptions that your work is engrossing. I am truly happy for you that you seem to love your job. However, being totally honest, I find the detailed discussions of what happens behind the scenes at the funeral home very unsettling — in no small part because our older brother is currently fighting for his own life. I don’t know how he feels about these descriptions, but in my sisterly opinion, I do wish you would be more sensitive.”