Cousin feels violated over childhood abuse

DEAR AMY » When I was a child, my female cousin, who is three years older than me, engaged me in sexual games/role-playing that I now realize were not at all ageappropriate.

She swore me to secrecy and praised me for being such a good cousin for keeping our secret. This abuse went on for almost three years.

We are now in our 30s, and when I raised the issue of the child sexual abuse with her, she denied it ever happened.

She asked me why I hate her that much, and why am I making this up?

She accused me of fracturing the family with my allegations.

I told a few family members, including her parents, and now I’ve been vilified, because no one believes me.

I have discussed this with my therapist, who advised me that people will not want to face the ugly truth about my cousin, so I will probably never be vindicated.

I reached out to my cousin and suggested that we have an in-person conversation to clear the air, and a follow-up with family members, but she has ignored my request.

Any advice for me so I can move forward?

I feel like I’ve been victimized twice — once with the sexual abuse, and then with the denial and lies.

— Trying to Move

Forward

DEAR TRYING » If this abuse went on for three years, and your older cousin swore you to secrecy, then it stands to reason that she knew this was wrong at the time. And yet the behavior continued for years.

I’m so sorry this happened. I hope you do have some family members who believe you and who are concerned for your healing.

I agree with your therapist that your abuser — and her immediate family — will most likely never acknowledge her actions and how her actions hurt you. For them to do so would be for them to admit that their daughter (or sister) preyed on, manipulated, and hurt a child. And that she lied about it then, and is lying about it now.

You seem to mainly want an acknowledgment and (presumably) an apology from your cousin.

You should also explore with your therapist any other options you might have, including legal options. You don’t mention specifics about your cousin’s abuse, but if she continued this behavior with other vulnerable children, there may be others out there who also deserve answers.

Anyone wrestling with questions of sexual assault and abuse can contact RAINN.org. Their 24hour phone hotline (800656-4673) and live “chat” function is staffed by dedicated counselors who are there to help.