‘Bestie’ worries about her role in friend’s affair

DEAR AMY » My best friend of 25 years is having an affair.

I’m devastated. We raised our kids together, our families spent holidays and vacations together, but most of all she has been my soul sister and confidant.

I have tried to be the best support since this began, listening and trying to be nonjudgmental.

The problem is that my dad cheated on my mom. The day I found out was the worst day of my life. I spent years angry, developed a severe eating disorder, and needed years of therapy.

I feel like I’m waiting for a car crash. I love her children like my own and don’t want them to go through that trauma.

What’s my job as a best friend? Must I show my support, no matter what?

I have lost respect and feel like it’s changed everything. Am I being judgmental and not a true friend?

I want this friendship to weather this storm, but need advice on this “besties” role.

— Friend in Anguish

DEAR FRIEND »

Friends tell each other the truth, and a deep and abiding friendship can withstand the tumult that honesty sometimes brings on.

It is possible, and preferable, to deliver your radical honesty without attaching judgment to it.

You do this by using “I statements,” and by owning your personal distress about this.

For example: “I’m upset about this. I’m worried about your family’s future. My father’s infidelity destroyed me as a child, and this is bringing up a lot of painful memories for me.”

I also think it’s totally OK to convey to your friend, “I’m unsure of my role, here. I don’t feel comfortable being your confidant about this affair. I want you to know that our friendship is important to me, and I don’t want to lose it.”

It would be natural for you to step back a bit as she goes through this whirlwind.

Understand that people do make mistakes. People hurt one another.

Mistakes can be forgiven. Hurts can be healed.

But once you really lose respect for a person, it’s game over.

DEAR AMY » “Good Auntie” should continue the use of the pronoun “she” and “her” instead of they/ them for her young niece. She should use the child’s birth name if she is more comfortable with that.

The parents and child are asking Auntie to be tolerant. Auntie has the same right to ask that they be tolerant of her use of name/pronoun. — A Grandmother

DEAR GRANDMOTHER »

A truly “Good Auntie” would recognize how deliberately hurtful this choice would be.