Ex’s misconduct may affect his college

DEAR AMY >> Over the course of our 16-year marriage my ex-husband often acted impulsively, in ways that were perhaps explained but not excused by his bipolar disorder.

Just after our second child was born, he kissed and groped a student at the local college whom he’d hired for a small job.

The student was appropriately angry and got a lawyer to threaten a civil case against him for sexual harassment.

To avoid this becoming public, he accepted the lawyer’s proposal of a $40,000 payment in exchange for her silence.

I felt horribly complicit in keeping this secret, but with a baby, a toddler, and an upside-down mortgage, it was hard to imagine doing otherwise.

Four years ago, I finally left him, got counseling for myself and our teens, and found happiness.

He remarried, and maintains a positive reputation as a businessman and philanthropist. Recently I was shocked to learn that he’s a candidate for a prestigious appointment to the board of the alumni foundation of that same local college.

I feel like I should expose his past behavior to the foundation, but I’m second-guessing my motives.

I don’t want to deal with the hurt from a bad marriage by lashing out: I’d rather ignore him and move on.

On the other hand, the young woman on whom he forced unwanted contact is also an alumna. How would she feel seeing his face on the board?

I don’t have a record of her last name or the lawyer’s, much less a copy of the paperwork, so if I do report this history it may sound like gossip to them.

What’s the right thing to do here?

— Unwilling SecretSharer

DEAR UNWILLING >> You should seek legal advice regarding your options and the impact on all parties.

I am not a lawyer, but (to me) your ex-husband’s behavior sounds more like sexual assault than harassment. His choice to purchase his victim’s “silence” for a large sum means that she likely signed a non-disclosure agreement prohibiting her from disclosing or discussing the assault. I’m assuming that you did not sign an NDA.

Even if your ex has completely reformed, and understanding that he has paid his debt to his victim (but not society), he is quite literally returning to the scene of the crime in an exalted position, and I think this past behavior is germane.

If you care about this institution, you might also consider that their reputation will be adversely affected if they appoint your ex and this settlement is later exposed.

I suggest you contact the college.