Father’s relationship with woman being stifled by clingy daughters

I have been in a relationship with “Ted” for the past eight years. We each have adult children from previous marriages. Ted has always put his daughters ahead of me and our relationship. When they were younger, I completely understood, but they are adults now, and he still does it.

Ted has to get their permission to spend any time with me. Vacations are completely out of the question. I see him, at best, four times a month, and the girls call and text constantly the entire time we’re together, always about nothing. He has broken our dates and left in the middle of dinner to help them find an earring or a pair of shoes. The oldest recently married, and she and her husband are living in Ted’s basement.

Annie, he put these girls through college. They have degrees and good jobs, and yet they refuse to leave the nest. Ted says he doesn’t know how to fix it. We fight about this often, and he always takes their side. I am frustrated. When we first began dating, Ted asked me to wait until the kids were out of high school and said then we’d get married. Then he asked me to wait until they were finished with college. Now it’s when both are married and on their own. I don’t see them ever letting that happen. Ted bought me a ring, which I am not allowed to wear around the girls because it upsets them. He can’t have pictures of us in his house because they wouldn’t like it. I once posted pictures of us on my Facebook page, and Ted totally lost it because he was afraid his daughters would see.

I suggested we attend counseling, but he refused. He is stressed and unhappy, and being around him is difficult because he takes it out on me. I know this relationship is toxic and I should move on, but it is hard to do when you love someone. We get along great when they leave us alone, but that rarely happens, and I am constantly depressed about it. What should I do? — Lost and Alone in

Kentucky

Please understand that Ted is never going to put you first. He is not going to marry you unless his daughters give their permission, and they aren’t going to do it. So what are you willing to put up with in order to remain with him? If you are OK playing third fiddle to those girls and will take marriage off the table permanently, you could have a nice, limited, semi-frustrating relationship with Ted. But if that’s not good enough, leave before you waste any more time.

I laughed when I read the letter from “Confused Husband,” who expects more sex for doing chores around the house.

I do laundry, wash dishes, vacuum and grocery shop. I don’t do it to get paid back with sex. I love my wife so much, I consider it a privilege to do things for her, even after 25 years together. She gave birth to our two wonderful children. That is all I could ask for. Appreciate her now because tomorrow is promised to no one.

— Love Her

We hope every man in our reading audience will see your letter and agree with you. You ought to bottle that.

Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar were longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to anniesmailbox@ comcast.net, or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd St., Hermosa Beach, CA 90254.